The Insider

October 9. 2007:

The following accounts of the Asian Leg of the Insider World Tour are the property of the Insider Inc.  Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of the pictures and accounts without the express written consent of The Insider is strictly prohibited.  Note that Mr. Paul Ellsworth, Esq., may attempt to claim partial ownership.  The LEVEL (Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers) is on retainer for the inevitable challenge.

1. Interested readers are probably surprised to hear that nothing happened on the flight to Tokyo.  No crash landings, no delays, no cancellations.  The Insider considers this an auspicious start.  Muffin is sure to be disappointed, as she finds great amusement in the travelling mishaps of the Insider.
2. First meal in Tokyo - a traditional Japanese dish.  Can anyone tell that Paul is not on this leg of the trip?
3. The Insider can confirm (albeit with a limited sample size) that a Japanese bachelorette's fridge is significantly more sparse than a Canadian bachelor's.
4. Japanese toilets are automatic, including the toilet seat and the flush.  A little disconcerting when you are just walking past it to use the shower.
5. "If you want to go to sleep, just push the monkey off the bed" is not a phrase expected to be heard on the first night in Tokyo.
6. For some reason, the Tokyo guide displays a Japan national flag as his totem, ensuring that he won't stand out from the crowd.
7. While the drink box with strawberries on it may appear to look tasty, the Insider discovers half way through the box that strawberry milk may not have been the best choice as a beverage for someone with an allergy to milk.
8. Amount spent by the Insider at the Japanese market - nil.  Amount spent by someone who has been living in Tokyo for almost 3 years - more than nil.  Amount of packaging carried around by the Insider for the rest of the day - more than nil.  (The Insider is probably not the target audience for plastic trinkets or giant plush sumos.)
9. In addition to plush sumos, some people are also amused by monkeys in Hawaiian shirts.
10. Correction - plastic food is more fascinating than monkeys in Hawaiian shirts.
11. After taking samurai lessons, the Insider is considered a natural at the katana and shuriken.
12. The Japanese baseball games provided some interesting in-game rituals, including twirling of green plastic umbrellas after every home run.
13. The Japanese salespeople love their megaphones.  A walk down Electric Avenue proves that salespeople within 5 feet of each other will each shout at the top of their lungs to get your attention.
14. First meal in China - KFC.  Can anyone guess if Paul is now on the trip?
15. In a related story, the Insider asks Paul how many times he has eaten at the McDonalds next door.  The answer - not nil.
16. Paul ignores warning stories from the travel books on China and proceeds to have a $40 tea with the two nice "English teachers".
17. The Insider becomes confounded by the old style tin cans in the Beijing mini bar and manages to slice his thumb open while opening a Pepsi.  Hey Trina, if the cut turns a green color and is full of puss, is that a bad thing?
18. The cribbage game continues with predictable results.  The Insider concedes some games to Paul in order to keep up the suspense of the game.  Don't be fooled by Paul's claims otherwise.
19. The Insider is convinced that the two main rules of driving in Beijing is to lay on the horn and use the brakes as much as possible.  (This may be similar to the Cape Breton school of driving except for the brakes part.)
20. The U-turn and subsequent drive down the wrong side of the highway on the way to the Great Wall is eerily reminiscent of the infamous 2001 U-turn on the Jersey Turnpike.
21. The Insider does a quick cost benefit analysis and determines that the view from 2/3's up the Great Wall will be the same as the view from the top.  In his stubbornness, Paul climbs to the top.  Anyone want to guess whose legs were sore the next two days?
22. The corner store near the hotel in Beijing proves extremely economical with the cost for 4 beers (king cans), 4 bags of chips and 2 colas being the equivalent of $6.50.
23. With all the stuff made in China, one would think they would make more bottle openers.  Housekeeping is called on 2 separate occasions in 2 different cities in order to open the non twist-off bottles of beer.
24. It appears that the Insider's luck with electrical equipment continues - camera lost twice (once in Tokyo and once on the plane from Beijing to Xian) and it is recovered both times.
25. The day in Xian - a car almost runs over some people in the tour group on the way to the bus (which is parked a mere 10 feet from the hotel exit), a cyclist rear ends the bus (causing a delay and a heated debate between the driver, the cyclist, and the cyclist's grandmother), the Terra-Cotta Warriors are visited, and a near riot is witnessed (including a garbage can slammed on one person and somebody else stabbed).  Other than that, nothing to see.
26. Paul's idea of a way to kill time - reading the brochure from the travel clinic in Toronto about the communicable diseases he can catch.
27. Paul's contributions in writing the Insider's postcards are hereby OTR and quickly discarded by the Insider.
28. The vendors in Xian prove to be more aggressive than those in Beijing with the Insider almost being beat up by an elderly Chinese women.  The corner store, however, proves as economical as Beijing.
29. All kinds of security alarms are set off at the Xian airport.  The cause - the cribbage board in the Insider's checked luggage.  The Chinese ban on gambling may be a bit too strict.
30. The first travelling debacle of the Asian leg of the World Tour happens on the flight from Xian to Wuhan.  The Insider's linguistic skills in Chinese to English has the issue identified as "mechanical difficulties".
31. In a related story, Chinese to English is much easier than Cape Bretonese to English.
32. Quote heard four days after the Great Wall "it only took 4 days and my legs are feeling back to normal."
33. The first 2 hours of the bus trip from Wuhan to Three Gorges is a little long.  After the Insider found beer at the rest stop, the second 2 hours goes much quicker.  Kudos go to Paul for finding the cold ones in the fridge at the back.
34. Apparently one of the other tenets of the Chinese driving academy is to teach all professional drivers to drive right down the middle of 2 lane highways.  Lanes are for wimps.  It is unclear at the time of publication if this will be added to Cape Breton curriculum.
35. The breakfast on day 8 in the Three Gorges hotel is......challenging.
36. The Insider is unconvinced of the security procedures at the Three Gorges dam.  Why make people get off the bus (while leaving all the luggage on the bus) to go through a metal detector to get back on the same bus?
37. The shower on the boat is ....challenging.
38. The Insider is confounded by the eight point turn performed by the second boat in an attempt to move upstream towards the Lesser Three Gorges excursion.
39. Paul finds his first instance of Chinese porn with the postcards of the naked boat trackers.  He is disappointed to find out that they are all males, and subsequently relieved to find out that they now wear clothes when pulling the boats.
40. Paul now understands why there is a Happy Buddha.  Should anyone receive one as a gift from Paul, flip it over and check the bottom.  (Alternatively, interested readers can arrange for a private viewing of the one sitting in the Insider's office.)
41. While the Insider appreciates the 30 RMB Crown Royal on sale at the boat's bar, he is not sure that the 20 RMB mix is worth it.
42. In a related story, any guess as two which two Canadians close down the bar every night on the boat?  Note that this is not difficult given that the bar shuts down at 10:30 PM.
43. In a second related story, any guesses as to who the best customers of the bar are?  The paying of the bill in cash proves to be slightly disconcerting. 
44. The Insider suspects that sleeping on concrete would be softer than some of the Chinese beds.
45. When given of choice of crossing over the Bridge of Wealth or the Bridge of Health in Fengdu, guess which one the Insider chose?
46. Day 8 of watermelon for dessert proves.....challenging.
47. Note to Paul - when discussing good looking Chinese women, "the one with the long dark hair" is not really that helpful.
48. Quote of the trip - "At least I didn't swallow" - Paul Ellsworth.  The context is in a discussion about using tap water to brush his teeth, but readers are encouraged to make up their own back story.
49. The Insider becomes a temporary member of the Hong Kong YMCA.
50. The dinner at Pizza Hut in Hong Kong is......fabulous.  Nothing like good old fashioned North American style grease.
51. It is unclear at the time of publication if the Hong Kong guide breathes at all during her lectures.
52. No shopping to be found in Hong Kong.  Nope, none.  Certainly no discount outlets that Elder Battlin' MacLean would be jealous of.  Nope, none.
53. The Insider goes all the way to Hong Kong and all he gets is shampoo.  Muffin better appreciate the extra effort made to acquire her out-of-production-in-North-America brand.
54. Day 12 of watermelon for dessert proves ....challenging.
55. Paul officially hits the wall after assessing his mandatory attendance to the herbal museum.
56. The forensic audit continues, except this time in 5 different currencies (CDN, USD, Yen, RMB, HKD).
57. The Insider hits the wall during the tour of the gardens in Shaghai.  While the grounds may have been lovely to look at, the guide started to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher at that point in the tour.
58. Note to travellers: it helps if you don't pack your wallet and boarding pass in your check-in luggage after being forced to open it again for the highly suspicious crib board.
59. The China mail system proves to be somewhat inefficient as the Insider discovers that the postcards mailed 4 days into the trip have not yet arrived at the time of publication.  This is understandable, as given the reputation of the Insider, it is probably taking a huge amount of resources at the Chinese censorship board to try to figure out the double meanings, hidden agendas and codes used by the Insider in all writings.
60. The effects of jet lag include only getting 3 hours of sleep for each of the first 3 days back.  The counter-cure....Starbucks.  As some readers know that the Insider doesn't normally drink coffee, so the effects of the caffeine can well be imagined.
61. Sample pictures and movies are available on the Insider's Facebook page.  The full set of pictures can be viewed on the official website of the Insider - http://brommer71.spaces.live.com/

Insider out.

1. Feedback from last week's edition - "Re: Point #2  Let's be fair....when was the last time Paul had a single screw?" - Kimberly Robinson.
2. In a somewhat related story, Kimberly sends a link to an article on the "office boob" and indicates that Paul will disagree with all the points mentioned in the article.  An interesting start to the week.
3. The new urban phenomenon of women "forgetting" their wallets for lunch continues, as the Insider picks up yet another lunch tab.
4. Memo to all cops - if the City of Toronto is really that short of revenue, bust cyclists who ride the wrong way down one way streets, or drive straight through red lights.
5. The Insider finds it highly interesting that the Urban Challenge for the National Office was won by the team with two members of the Social Committee on it, including the primary organizer.  (National Office Team Captain is sure to vehemently deny any allegations...).  At least Muffin knew enough to not have her team finish in the top 3.
6. In a follow-up story, only a few people are found to be limping or call in "sick" the day after the National Office Urban Jungle day.
7. Just because there's not enough Idol competitions in the world, the Outcast decides to enter Toby in the Winnipeg Canine Idol.
8. The slight dip on the TSX has some people quickly performing a forensic audit on their paper losses.
9. Quote of the week - "I'll have to call you back" - Kimberly Robinson.  (I'll let Trina guess what the Insider's follow-up comment should be).
10. The way that some people recover from being nauseous and tired all day (which includes a debate on going home early) - go to the Dragon Boat team practice (which includes sitting in stale, smelly water for almost an hour), followed by a trek halfway across the city to play basketball.  The Insider continues to be dumbfounded by female Edmontonian logic.
11. The first request for a souvenir from the Asian leg of the World Tour - shampoo.  The Insider continues to be dumbfounded by female Armenian logic. (or is that Albanian?)
12. If you want to lose the basketball playoffs, it best to have your 6' 10" starting centre break his foot the night before the game.  The Insider continues to be dumbfounded by female Edmontonian logic.
13. The Outcast starts leaving cryptic Facebook messages for Paul - something about mangos, and then something about bed time.  The Insider continues to be dumbfounded by female Toban logic (or is the Saskatchewanian logic)?  Note to the Outcast - stating cryptic messages with double meanings that nobody understands should only be performed by professionals.
14. The Insider dreads the reaction when the Outcast finds out that the Insider apparently knows the VP - Finance for the Walt Disney Studios in Burbank, California.
15. It should quickly be determined if anyone notices the latest Un-Extreme Makeover, as the Insider goes back to being diabolical.

August 13, 2007:

1. Edmontonians express concern about the Insider's knowledge of current events.  Note that the Insider tag is well deserved, with informants all over the world.
2. Paul's talents with tools is severely challenged when he has trouble screwing on his name plate for the new office…with a single screw….
3. Note to some people who seem to want to stare into Paul's office while the door is closed - yes, he has moved, and that's not Paul that you're staring at.
4. According to Kimberly, Paul needs remedial help on the concept of value of money.  If you go to a movie, and a medium popcorn is not enough for two people, spend the extra dollar to get the large.
5. In a follow-up story, Paul claims that he didn't go for the large, as he didn't want to break a twenty.  Kimberly seems generally perturbed that Paul has not only put a price on her friendship, but that it's priced at just slightly more than $10.  Paul's response - "Nobody's worth breaking a twenty for".
6. Quote of the week - "There's something different about you.  What is it?" - various people.
7. In a follow-up story, the next time any women comments about a man not noticing about a new dress, new haircut, etc, the Insider will casually remind them about not noticing when a man removes all facial hair.
8. Native Edmontonian seems concerned that sports clubs are taking up too much of her time.  The Insider provides a quick solution - rebreak a knee.  (Note that this may not be the most painless solution).
9. Kimberly invites the Insider for lunch, and then "conveniently" mentions that she forgot her wallet at home.  Sigh….
10. Baby Battlin' MacLean is now a home owner.  Welcome to debt, kid.  You'll learn to love it like the rest of us (except Paul).
11. Is Muffin trying to start something?  Sigh…..Sometimes women never learn.
12. The Insider engages the LEVEL (Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers) to issue cease and desist papers related to the use of unauthorized team nicknames by CNNSI reporters.
13. The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach.  (At least with Trina, as she debates on the merits of going for a sandwich at the St. Lawrence Market.)  Her follow-up response - "Jewellery works too!"
14. Haligonians express jealousy at Paul for showing up in the homeland drinking a beer on the patio at lunch, while they have to head back to the office.
15. In a follow-up story, the Insider receives an e-mail with the subject line of "He's next door to me now.......".  The Insider considers this huge money making potential for the next Hollywood big-budget horror movie.
16. Running out of propane in the middle of barbequing filet mignon might prove to be troubling for some people, but the Insider proves his resourcefulness once again.

Insider out.

1. The Insider gets threatened with e-mails regarding Collection Agency efforts.  Given the Insider's ongoing association with the Guido & the Boys Collection Agency, the Insider scoffs at any such amateurish threats.
2. The Insider threatens bodily harm to Kimberly for disturbing the ongoing results of the China forensic audit.
3. The Insider finds it scandalous that assistant GMs don't want to work around fantasy football schedules.  Is giving birth really that important?
4. The annual CNNSI rankings places the Brom Bombers in their traditional spot.  What else is new?
5. For someone who took months to accomplish Phase 1 of the China trip, Paul seems awful anxious to get through Phases 2 through 8.
6. Did Kimberly finally find someone to accompany her to see a junky romantic comedy type movie?  Paul, you're better than that.
7. The Insider threatens to play Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" non-stop, much to the chagrin of some people.
8. Quote of the week - "What, were you born in a barn?"  - The Insider.  It has so many uses....
9. Alternate quote of the week - "I got taken out by a dog."  The Insider is not sure that Trina's new training methods for her half-marathon run is the most effective.
10. Note that Paul is probably reading the last point, and thinking that the phrase would have a completely different meaning for him.
11. Native Edmontonian is concerned that, after being gone one year from the homeland, some family members have started drinking cosmopolitans (or some other girlie drink with an umbrella in it).  Photographic evidence is presented to the Insider.
12. Apparently, Paul is better than that.  After talking Kimberly into seeing The Simpson Movie (a non-girlie pic), he proceeds to eat all the popcorn, and falls asleep half-way through the movie.  Nice!  The Insider would be willing to gamble that he won't get asked to attend any girlie movies anytime soon.
13. It will soon be determined if the latest Extreme Makeover of the Insider will be as remarked upon as the last one.

Insider out.

July 30, 2007:

Yea, so the heavens relented and the darkness has lifted from across the land.

1. Native Edmontonian finds a voice mail left over the weekend amusing.  The Insider just considers it toilet humour.
2. Apparently, the Insider has crazy sneaking abilities.
3. The newest best seller by the Insider - "How to Drive the Outcast Nuts - Don't Tell Her Anything"  This is a follow-up to previous best sellers - "How to Drive Kimberly Nuts - Don't Tell Her Anything" and "How to Drive Elder Battlin' MacLean Nuts - Don't Tell Her Anything".  The Insider senses some kind of trend....
4. For some reason, We Will Rock You does not include any songs by Supertramp.
5. When going to the Titanic exhibit at the Ontario Science Centre, every visitor is assigned (at random) the name of a passenger.  Last name of the passenger assigned to the Insider - Rouse.....
6. The Outcast is totally stunned that i) a man can actually plan a dinner, and ii) the Insider can keep details from her.
7. The easiest way to deal with your dog while away from town - get him high on mushrooms and send him to rehab.
8. Most of the dinner involves the relaying of embarrassing stories about Paul.  The Insider gracefully slips into the background.
9. The lack of a forensic audit on Friday proves as successful as if a forensic audit took place.
10. The only thing planned by the Outcast and Kimberly this past weekend - the trip across the border to shop at Target.  Directions given to the Insider - "Just drive across the border, and we'll meet you at Target".
11. In a related story, the shopping at the first Target store is almost identical to the shopping at the second Target store.  Sigh....
12. In a second related story, the Insider vows to always get proper directions for all future trips.  Who knew that there was more than one Target (besides the Insider)?
13. Heather, want a piece of the gum picked up by the Insider on the States trip?
14. Dollar value of purchases by the Insider - double that of the Outcast.  Time spent to achieve such purchases - about half.  The Insider remains suspicious about any woman claiming she can "power shop".  (See IR Vol#1 Iss#2 Point#13 for more evidence.)
15. The forensic audit of the travel plans for the tour to China is taking about as long as expected.