1. What Super Bowl? (The Insider will be so grateful when baseball season kicks in in about a month).
2. An email response to last week's Report provides some sort of lyrics to 'Twas the night before Christmas. It appears that there is a new language for the Insider to learn - Mississauganese.
3. With Paul dressed up in full suit and tie on Monday, Vegas odd makers have it as even money on whether it was a job interview or a date. (The Insider takes the bet against the date.)
4. Native Edmontonian must have the ongoing challenges on the mind. She tries to perform a miracle of turning water into vodka.
5. Some people on the 14th floor gulp loudly and almost gag on laughter when, in a general conversation, the Insider claims to be nothing if not adaptable. Poke the bear…..
6. Comment made by the Insider this week: "I thought only pirates drank rum." Deborah's response: "Argh. Avast me hearties".
7. Email received from the Outcast this week- "At lunch time today, the men sitting around me where talking about sports, as always. One guy was telling a story about how his friend got to hug the Stanley Cup when it came to Kenora last month. Always wanting to join in a conversation, I added: 'Was it still broken??'. Grey cup - Stanley cup - really, what is the difference???" Sigh….
8. Trina makes an attempt to get back into marathon training. The Insider is not convinced that walking to the Go Train station in high heels was the best way to start though.
9. Daniel and Tracy are proud to welcome Anise Therèse Laflèche to the world. Congratulations, guys.
10. As the Insider always accepts contributions from readers, Native Edmontonian requests (...demands...strongly demands...very strongly demands...) that the Report acknowledge that she is correct and the Insider is wrong with respect to which turn to take when driving back from Loblaws. Consider it acknowledged.
11. In a related story, the Insider is fairly certain that Native Edmontonian would not want the Report to acknowledge that the full moon she talks about 5 minutes later ends up being the face of a clock tower.
12. Apparently, given a choice between being serious or being funny, most people will pick serious. Guess which one the Insider picks?
13. Native Edmontonian is distressed to learn that the first practice of basketball is cancelled for this week. "What the heck do they need a permit for? It's in the North End. Just break a few windows and you're in. It's not like anyone would notice."
14. The Insider's underground rave club is discovered this week.
15. At Friday night drinks, Paul tries the new nickname of "Sunshine" for Marshall to mixed effects.
16. Notice to everyone: The standard fee for IT support from the Insider is a home-cooked supper.
17. The first black tie event of the Awards Season commences on Saturday night. The Insider, as expected, looks fabulous on the red carpet.
18. Yes, Paul. The Insider did see the girl in the orange dress that walked by.
19. Marketing-Type-Person spends most of the night winking at various people, chair dancing to the band's attempt at Usher's "Yeah", screaming "Yee Haw", attempting to figure out why guys avoid women, creating various rumours, and getting loopy on the drive home.
20. Yes, the Insider is a guy.
21. Note to the Outcast: "Hey."
22. The Insider hears that Babel is a fabulous movie, and may rent the DVD someday.
23. Note to Kim: Don't even ask if the Insider will see the latest chick flick that's playing. However, the Insider understands that Buckley is a huge fan of Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant, so maybe she'll go with you.
24. The Insider will start the planning for the furniture rearranging, which is bound to be happening soon.

February 19, 2007:

In an effort to provide some people with something to read on Monday mornings in lieu of going to the gym, the Insider presents the following points for consideration:

1. What Super Bowl?
2. Feedback received this week from Paul - "Hey, I didn't do or say anything stupid to make last week's report". Note that's because all conversations that week were prefaced as being OTR.
3. The Insider receives notification that the Parental Units are preparing some legal documents. The problem - The Parental Units misspell both the Insider and the Outcast's middle names on the documents. The excuse relayed to the Outcast - "It's not my fault. I didn't have anything to do with naming you."
4. The Outcast's MSN message for the rest of week - "And my middle name is??"
5. Early in the week, Native Edmontonian gets excited by pictures of John Deere zambonies. (Note that it might have something to do with the Oiler logos on them.)
6. An e-mail received from Kimberly starts off with curses regarding Tetley's latest escapade - eating a Beanie Baby.
7. Native Edmontonian risks angering the Mighty Leaf Nation with the unveiling of her new Google Talk logo.
8. E-mail received from the Outcast: "I was coming out of the office when I passed by Ron (my boss). He said that I had a very happy expression on my face, like I had won the lottery and asked what I had in my hand. I turn the pad of paper in my hand over to show him the title - TO DO list". It is now fully documented that the Insider is nowhere near the most anal of his immediate family.
9. Some people on the 14th floor are taking the concept of casual dress way to the extreme.
10. Native Edmontonian further risks angering the Mighty Leaf Nation by wearing an Oilers shirt to the office on Friday.
11. The season opener of the Battlin' MacLeans has Elder Battlin' MacLean making a bold-faced claim about whose pet is better loved. The Insider understands that Baby Battlin' MacLean does not take things well. The Insider reserves judgement, but does note that he has had to only stuff one of the aforementioned pets into a travel bag at 6:00 AM, so it might be a biased competition at this point.
12. In an effort to come up with a new nickname for a long-term reader, the Insider will start using "Buckley". More details will become available as soon as the "audition" is available on the web.
13. Apparently, the stereotype of Japanese people taking fast into a cell phone after an accident on the DVP strike some people as humorous.
14. Closing statement of the week from a deemed OTR conversation from Paul - "Sometimes, you have to take the good with the bad."
15. The Insider decides to be helpful, and gives Kim a call on Friday to see if anything can be brought for the Saturday games night. She indicates no. Five minutes later, the Insider is commissioned to bring paper plates, plastic cutlery, plastic cups, any games he has handy, any extra chairs, and his kitchen sink.
16. People spent most of Saturday night telling the Insider about various points that "have to make this week's Report". In an effort to be accommodating, the Insider presents the following for consideration. (Note if your favourite didn't make the list, send a note to the usual complaint department).
    • The Insider is called a disturber as soon as he walks in the door. Nice way to be greeted.
    • The number of MacLeans needed in a room in order for them to start telling on-the-record stories about MacLeans not present - 2.
    • Baby MacLean should attempt to find out if, on the next trip back to the homeland, Elder Battlin MacLean has the guts to wear the t-shirt that Kip talked about.
    • Note that if you don't want the Insider to relay Glace Bay experiences, it's best to tell him in advance which parts of the stories are OTR.
    • "Kim, it's a good thing you have gas" - Buckley. (The Insider thinks she was talking about the stove, but Kim was facing away from her at the time.)
    • The Insider shows his ongoing dominance at games by winning the first set of games.
    • The women show their ongoing devious nature by once again stacking the teams for Taboo.
    • The room tends to go into stunned silence for 2 seconds when a cop's parents talk about past indiscretions.
17. It is assumed that Native Edmontonian will be living in denial for a while, with the shot to the jaw provided by the Might Leaf Nation on Saturday night.
18. It has now been documented that the recovery time for Edmontonians from a Friday night adventure is 36 hours. Keep up with the training, kid. You may have Vancouverites and Torontonians beat, but you have a long way to go before you should consider challenging Nova Scotians or Tobans.
19. Sunday - finally a day off. The Insider spends the day making the Palatial Estate almost liveable for other humans. Insider out.

1. What Super Bowl?
2. E-mail received this week after the Insider complained about the heat in the office. "Native Edmontonian is hot too – I think the northwesterly food diet (elk, caribou, polar bear, displaced Eskimo children, pages from the bible) must bestow supernatural heating powers." The Insider chalks it up to Westerners using more brain power, and thus overheating.
3. Native Edmontonian is concerned about her sugar intake, following a cryptic e-mail message in Albertanese being sent to the Insider. "I think [name removed by Editor] thinks I'm slightly unstable. [Second name removed by Editor] noticed that I was hyper when I walked back into the office and was doing what she could to make me crack and lose it. I think I should stick with the alcohol.."
4. E-mail received from Kimberly this week - "Getting up early is a killer!". Note to readers that Kim gets into the office around 8:30 or so. Response received when the Insider replies that he was in the office by 6:00 AM that day - "Okay forget I said anything."
5. The nickname of "Sweet Cheeks" is hereby considered OTR.
6. The Hip still continue to put on a fabulous show, with Gord Downie still managing to twitch everywhere on the stage.
7. Apparently, Toronto event security is much more stringent that Winnipeg event security, as the Insider never remembers anyone getting kicked out of concerts for smuggling in rye back home.
8. It is considered normal to have no voice the next day following a concert.
9. In some people hands, a stapler is considered a dangerous weapon.
10. The Insider has been commissioned to look after a plant. What the heck does the Insider know about flora? Hopefully, it's a desert like fungus that requires little to no watering.
11. In response to the soon-to-be-available office up on 14th floor, the Insider issues a challenge to Lafleche for a beer chugging contest to settle who gets the office. In a stunning move, Native Edmontonian decides to place side bets against the Insider. An Albertan betting on a Vancouverite against a Prairie guy in a beer drinking contest???? A further claim is made that "I'd kick your &** too". The Insider quickly issues a second challenge. Silly Edmontonians. Bring it on...
12. The Insider is uncertain why he keeps waking up to find "Hey" messages on the computer from the Outcast, but "Hey" back.
13. The investigations continue into the potential ongoing grandiose plans regarding the Insider's choice of movie. Will veto rights be taken away? Stay tuned….
14. In response to an e-mail received this week, the Insider doesn't do pity. Life's too short.

February 5, 2007:

There is no joy in Mudville.

1. Tons of feedback from last week's Report. Feedback #1: "Wow, I'm surprised by #13. I completely expected to be having to hide my head with that comment I made." - Native Edmontonian
2. Feedback #2 - A phone call is received indicating that there was no grandiose plan in getting out of the pick of the movie. Time will tell.....
3. Feedback #3 - "No plaid is NOT FINE! Paul did you really get a jacket? Uggghhh" - Kimberly Robinson.
4. As a follow-up to the third point, the Insider is also called a "trouble-maker". Poke the bear….
5. The Insider receives an e-mail from people on the 14th floor who feel the need to turn the heat up. They've never heard of sweaters?
6. Apparently that's not true, as the same people engineer a sweater theft from HR later in the day.
7. Are marketing-type people moving away from the Muffin nickname?
8. Speaking of nicknames, Native Edmontonian is concerned with the new nicknames being bantered about for her. The basic premise proposed by the Insider is to come up with a large phrase with the acronym spelling something vaguely obscene. Suggestions from readers are always welcome.
9. In her latest effort of closing out long distance races, Trina is the sprinter, much to the chagrin of others.
10. Kimberly doesn't feel the need to get up unless her alarm says her name.
11. Justin Timberlake fans, seen running around the ACC on Tuesday, quickly (some would say immediately) become annoying.
12. In an unconfirmed rumour, a claim is made that David Au knows all the words to "SexyBack", and is working on the dance steps.
13. IKEA in Winnipeg? The Sister is already being briefed and updated on the ongoing situation.
14. Native Edmontonian idea of pre-drinking - 5 days in advance.
15. A claim is made by Native Edmontonian that certain assigned tasks are "not in my job description" Trouble is she might actually need a job description for this argument to be effective.
16. Marketing people start speaking in foreign tongues this week. The Insider, a master of linguistics due to previous work in translations of Cape Bretonese, Haligonian and Toban, determines the language is a variant of Albertanese. Is this due to the influence of the "cowboy" hat?
17. As a follow-up, the Insider has offered to pay for the first round of drinks should the cowboy hat, including Post-It sign on the back, be worn outside the office in a "saloon".
18. Bears band wagon jumping on begins with rabid Winnipeg-based Vikings fans cheering for the proper team in the Super Bowl.
19. Memo to self: To-do items, in advance of the Hip concert this coming week:
    • Make sure Paul knows the correct lyrics.
    • Make sure that Paul does not actually sing along to anything.
20. Is yet another reader stepping up the plate to try issue a companion newsletter to the Report? Details are sketchy, but based on information received from the Insider this week: (Note that the Insider didn't bother correcting grammar or spelling. He has his own stuff to worry about. Although, content may have been edited for humour's sake.)
    • I'm a bit bored today. Everyone is @ 'work' and no one has time to play with me.
    • I want to go snowshoeing at the cottage but all my girlfriends have plans or they don't like the snow or they have to make snacks for their boyfriends and or husbands for some 'big game' this weekend.
    • Going to the ROM is way overated. Who cares about pots from 300bc? Bugs from 700ad? Bones from dead people? They're still just pots, bugs and bones. Old pots and bugs and bones. Overated.
    • And finally, I rediscovered my love for Kraft singles (light) in grilled cheese. They really are delicous.
    • And that has been the highlights so far of week two.
21. At lunch on Friday, Deborah poses Paul an ethical question: If he had a choice, would he rather marry someone with high income, but massive debt, or low income and debt free. The response given: "Which one has the bigger chest?" (In all fairness, Paul turned to the Insider to provide his most likely response. Sigh... The guess was correct.)
22. The Insider briefly considers resuming linguistic courses when a flurry of entries to the Cape Breton to English lexicon are stated in rapid fire succession on Friday night, all resulting from a feverish discussion on the MacDonald's commercial featuring Cape Bretonese.
23. 100 pounds means different things to different people.
24. Paul's foot in mouth in disease continues. Note to Paul: When Kimberly glows after your compliment, it is best to end the sentence at that point.
25. Further note to Paul: When going over to Kimberly's, never **ever** wear the old grey-ladies-isotoner-type gloves.
26. Order is restored to the universe with the re-establishment of the Bromilow Shopping System to its full glory.
27. When the movie choice of the Insider (which was rescheduled to Saturday night) turns into an evening at the Bad Dog Theatre, the Insider resumes investigations into potential ongoing grandiose plans. At least the dinner was fabulous, although the restaurant was eerily familiar.
28. Sunday is blur. The Insider must have blacked out. Don't remember a thing. Nope, nope, nothing. (Living in denial is the way to go).