April 30, 2007:

Good times….Good times….

1. The early feedback from last week's report - "I really need to learn to lay low and keep my mouth shut." - Cookie.  Let's see how well this plan works (especially because the new nickname will continue to be in use for at least more week).  At least the spell checker won't keep getting stuck on "Edmontonian".
2. The Outcast has determined an interesting way to try to get even with the Insider - stay at his place when she comes in during the summer.
3. The Outcast expresses concern about the vacation time of accountants in public practice - "What kind of accountant goes on holidays now?!?!?".  Note to the Outcast - most people bring in their personal tax returns more than 1 week in advance of the deadline….
4. Two comments from two different conversations - "Stop being so accommodating.  I can’t make any kind of decision."  and "Stop being so nice.  You're going to make me cry".  The Insider will now re-think his approach, and may adopt a more curmudgeon-like attitude in the future.
5. One reason for making the semi-annual CN tower climb - "There's a lot of cute EMT's if you get stuck halfway up." - Cookie.
6. "No, I won't help you with your crossword." - Memo to self:  Bump up tax consulting fees.
7. When the Insider sends off some pictures of the birth of a friend's daughter, the response from Trina - "Ohhhh, I love other peoples babies!".
8. Paul's nickname for the week - Red Lobster. (The Insider brazenly breaks the rule of having Paul's nicknames only being assigned by Baby Battlin' MacLean).
9. Listing to country music is the solution to a pity party?  The Insider would rather crank Guns N' Roses.
10. In describing the motion made to start the game of Rock, Paper & Scissors done to kill time before the CN Tower climb, Cookie makes a strange gesture.  When the Insider raises an eyebrow in response, Cookie issues a direct challenge that the Insider will have no way to describe the gesture in the report.  For readers playing along at home, think of some sort of phallic-type motion.
11. One method used to better the time of the CN Tower climb - blow out your knee four weeks in advance, walk around in crutches and a brace, avoid the hospital until it becomes too painful too move, try desperate voodoo type measures involving large needles, and, finally, engage in electro-shock therapy.  Whatever works….
12. A discussion ensues on how nicknames are given in the Report.  HR-Type-Person expresses some concern that he needs a better nickname.  A lively debate commences with several proposed nicknames quickly shot down.  The consensus was that the nickname will be Bobblehead, although the Insider remains sceptical at best.
13. The Insider must have discussions with Bobblehead about moving tables after the waitress has been primed and knows everyone's (i.e. the Insider's) drink order without being told.
14. The Insider will endeavour to come up with ways to spend more time with women in red dresses while at the bar. 
15. The social mating patterns of Torontonians are discussed in detail, with Muffin expressing several wild theories that prove to have some basis in fact as the night wears on.
16. "Desperation is not attractive." - Muffin
17. Muffin and Cookie experience firsthand the majestic splendour that is the Penguin Dance.
18. Muffin's chair dancing skills are further demonstrated with the addition of several new moves - The Saturday Night Fever, the Locomotion, and the Lasso.
19. A group of readers spends a vast quantity of time on Saturday night trying to out-do each other to generate the quote of the week.  Unbeknownst to them, the quote has already been firmly established, and the Insider looks on in amusement..
20. Quote of the week - "Well, it said so on the Microsoft site.  If you can't trust Microsoft, who can you trust?"  - Elder Battlin' MacLean.
21. In a follow-up story, Cape Bretoners are hereby banned from performing any kind of technical support on their computers.  Elder Battlin' MacLean is now a slave of the Insider, after having tried to avoid Insider Computer Helpdesk (ICH) fees.
22. Backup?  What backup?  Sigh…… 
23. Ages discovered during the preparation of personal tax returns (and/or fabulous undercover detective work) are strictly confidential…..although bribery may work….

Insider out.

April 23, 2007:

Deadlines suck.

1. Native Edmontonian expresses concern early in the week that e-mail from the homeland gets blocked due to questionable content. The Insider has no idea what would constitute "Adult Dictionary".
2. Is it a bad sign when someone opens up the closed door, boldly says "I'm don't care if I'm supposed to knock" and then proceeds to abscond one of the cookies on your desk?. It does however lead to a proposed new nickname for Native Edmontonian - "Cookie" (short for Cookie Monster).
3. Tying in the two previous posts, Native Edmontonian becomes concerned that the new Cookie nickname will make it sound like she has a late night second job. The response made in an effort to deflect - "In Alberta, we don’t strip, we drink". She becomes immediately concerned when the Insider busily starts writing down the quote.
4. HR Type Person's contribution - The quote should be changed to "We don't strip, we dance". It should be noted that the Insider never rewrites history, so the original quote stands.
5. The Insider expects a few follow-up e-mails from the last statement, which will probably break down into yet another threat that someone will create the "Response to the Report". The inevitable response will be "People are lazy."
6. Apparently, health care professionals can get viruses. Too bad it's one of the computer type, and thus requires the help of the Insider Computer Helpdesk (or ICH). Good thing the consulting rates were published a few weeks back.
7. It is determined that "Google" can be a verb, but "FaceBook" is not.
8. An intense discussion takes place on the tokenism needed for Raptor cheer team. In the view of some, there should be at least one good looking, straight, 26 to 36 year old male, with good dance moves, or at least the ability to demonstrate moves. The Insider is too busy reviewing the highly complex dance moves of the existing cheer team members to make any enlightening comments.
9. The Insider assumes that people growing up in Saint John are unfamiliar with quality educational programming when a quote from an old Bugs Bunny cartoon draws a blank stare.
10. The Insider received an auto e-mail from FaceBook asks "to confirm that you are, in fact, friends with Kimberly." Extreme deliberations will now commence.
11. Quote of the week - "They didn't hire me to be a wallflower". - Kimberly Robinson.
12. Lunch on Saturday included a walk to Queen's Quay, and lunch at the Chip Truck. For those playing at home, it wasn't even close to the famous Kenora one.
13. The Insider is of the opinion that actually taking a slow boat to China is quicker than trying to book a flight there.

Insider out.

April 16, 2007:

In an effort to be accommodating to some readers who complain when they do not make the report, the Insider lowers the bar on what is considering as OTR. You've been warned…..

1. Feedback from last week's Report seems to indicate that readers feels that the Insider might be slanting the points, and not presenting much on himself. In response to this, the Insider will once again wait (and wait and wait) for the previously much-hyped and never delivered "Retort to the Report" (or whatever fancy name was going to be used). People are lazy. Bring it on....
2. "Is it wrong that I just squealed out loud when the New Kids on the Block came on the radio??" - The Outcast. The answer - Yes. In fact, it's wrong on so many levels that the Insider is not sure he can count them all.
3. The Insider is accused of becoming more and more Torontonian with a failure to mention anything about the Leafs in the last report. Given that the Insider has seen first-hand that the Mighty Leaf Nation will not hesitate in taking out your knees if they are riled, the Insider will make some judicious inquires before posting comments. Concerns about the truck being keyed with sitting in the underground parkade at the ACC are also valid. Note that the Insider has no such fears regarding the Unmighty Oiler, Habs or Capital Nations however.
4. Quote of the week - "Here's crossing the fingers they give me good giddy drugs" - Native Edmontonian, 30 minutes before her orthopaedic surgeon appointment.
5. The Outcast attempts to spread wild and untrue accusations early in the week, in a vain attempt to become the favourite child. However, cell phone logs clearly show a phone call on Sunday afternoon at 5:32 PM EDT to the Maternal Parental Unit. The comment from the Outcast when this is confirmed by the Maternal Parental Unit - "damn". The LEVEL (Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers) has been retained to assess the huge damages sure to be awarded from the pending slander and libel case.
6. The Outcast is sure to implement fact checking on all future stories. The Insider can sympathize (to a point) given his own experiences in reporting the adventures of the Battlin' MacLeans.
7. "Lunatic friend." - A Haligonian's reference to Paul in conversations with the Insider this week.
8. One reader (who may not be as anonymous as they had wanted to be, thanks to an unintentional Reply to All) engages in stripping for most of the week. (Note: it's not as much fun as you would think though, as this relates to stripping paint and wallpaper off of the walls in the new house.)
9. Apparently, the new way of getting the Insider's attention is to start chucking balls at his head. Good thing Albertan inbreeding proves true to form, and leads to poor aim.
10. In a related story, Albertan aim with the ball proves to be just as bad later in the week, but with (un?)intentional consequences. The Insider just walks it off, and considers wearing a cup to the office.
11. Here's a hint, folks: If you're the one who actually counts and puts the of candies in the candy jar for the fundraising contest involving candy count guess, you can't go ahead and make a guess. Silly HR type people.
12. Paul's definition of a good lunch - one he got given to him for free from the IT department who got a free sample of a new Lean Cuisine.
13. Paul's definition of a good snack following the half-eaten good lunch - an extra bag of Doritos that fell from the vending machine when he got his chocolate bar. (Note to readers that the expiry date on the Doritos was the previous day). The Insider shakes his head at all attempts to get a free lunch.
14. The Insider is not clear why a vegetarian would line up to get a free chicken frozen dinner, but to each their own.
15. E-mailed received this week - "By any chance, do you have any drugs on you?" See point #2.
16. The price for complex income tax advice has been set to be the same as for complex IT consulting services. The price for Excel assistance to former co-workers has yet to be determined.
17. Contribution from a reader - "Au makes Edmontonian wait 1/2 hour for lunch date. I ask him if he thinks he is THAT special & that any woman would wait for him.. he comments that woman do jump when he asks. He thinks he is that cute."
18. SWF syndrome continues even when Kimberly is not physically present. Note that people who are jealous about not receiving a bag as a parting gift should consider the diamond necklace received as a parting gift.\
19. Linguistic studies continue into Albertanese, although difficulties arise when Albertans are found to be sensitive in discussing their particular dialect.
20. Linguistic studies also continue into Cape Bretonese while mumbling with their mouths full. The Insider can decipher one of these at a time, but the combination proves nearly impossible.
21. ABAS-type person finds an interesting way to kill time on a Friday afternoon - smelling cookies.
22. The Outcast's method for doing the 30 hour famine - drinking a coke while sleeping on the new double high air mattress referred to as "the princess bed". The justification - "I was not doing the famine - just supervising, so there are no rules for me."
23. Some days you just can't win. After being yelled at for not bringing back cookies to the 14th floor, the Insider is ordered to move up the Friday "meeting" at Armadillos to 3:30 as compensation. When the Insider displays his power by arranging for the change in time, the Insider receives a second berating as somebody had double booked themselves for another meeting for this time. Memo to self: Start research on whether 3:30 means something different in Albertanese.
24. Friday afternoon uncovers two more skills possessed by the Insider - the ability to solve a Rubik's Cube in under 2 minutes, and the ability to speed read.
25. The Insider has now discovered the trick to dealing with Rogers Technical Support - elevate to level 2. The first frustrating discussion with one support person included an attempt to convince the Insider that the reason the cell phone was not receiving any incoming calls was that there was a forwarding number in place, which was approximately 2 years old. As the Insider hates dealing with incompetent technical support, an elevation to level 2 quickly determines that a wipe and clean is required due to a faulty attempt by Rogers to send upgrades to the phone remotely. Good thing the Insider had nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon than completely reinstall every setting and application back to the phone.....Sigh....
26. In a related story, the LEVEL has been retained to determine if this was all just a master attempt by the Outcast to eliminate all cell phone logs. Luckily backup plans are in full effect.
27. Toronto parking tickets prove to be rain resistant.
28. The Insider has never heard of the concept of "pizza sweat", but scientific investigations will now commence.
29. (Just to prove to some people that the Report can be edited on Monday morning before it goes out) GTNet is cranky this morning.

Insider out.

1. The Ellsworth Counselling Services appears to be now open for business. A small sample of the advice that consumers can expect - "Paul’s counselling advice is always to try to let them come to the answer themselves without being too judgmental…but all I could say “What the F%*^ are you thinking”." Readers are cautioned to utilize the services at their own risk.
2. Quote of the week - "I'm all about the dramatic - at least when it comes to hair". - Trina Savoie.
3. Native Edmontonians may only attend going away lunches if there is karaoke and table dancing involved. Apparently being broken won't stop some people.
4. Trina gets funky on her last day by wearing her leopard skin boots. This may be an attempt to make up for when she was unsuccessful in getting funky with a new pair of glasses earlier in the week.
5. Native Edmontonian spends time rejoices on the parcel received from the homeland, although she was worried that the cats outside would eat the kubasa.
6. Warning given regarding upcoming Albertan birthday celebrations - "Drink all you want, just don't take off all your clothes and get thrown out."
7. There was a request made to transfer the surplus in the oatmeal raisin and large fountain cokes budget to chocolate for other National Office employees. The Insider is unconvinced on the benefits, and will put a halt on all budgetary spending, pending a detailed cost-benefit review.
8. Apparently, some people decide that the best way to travel from Toronto to Halifax is to make a stop in Montreal. For those following along at home, this includes stopping in Montreal, travelling back to Toronto, and then heading straight to Halifax. The Insider wonders if the efforts put forward by some in performing the forensic audit to try to save the $100 in air fare was worth it.....
9. When asked by Kimberly if the Insider would prefer wine or beer to drink, the Insider graciously responds with "whatever's easier". Kimberly's follow-up - "It really doesn't matter, as you're getting it yourself anyway. And, since you're there, can you get me a beer?". Note to readers: Kimberly was closer to the fridge during this exchange..... Sigh....
10. Given the sounds coming from the end of the couch during the movie on Saturday night, it is safe to assume that Kimberly can not make any further claims that she never snores.
11. When in doubt, always let the pregnant woman win the poker game. Especially, when they pull quad aces to bust you out.
12. Total numbers of hours spent sleeping during the long weekend - about 40. Sleep is good.

1. Advanced scientific testing now have documented the fact that the lights on the 14th floor offices come on at exactly 7:06 AM every morning. The Insider is depressed that he knows this.
2. Quote of the week - "It only gets good when someone catches on fire" - Muffin. It is hoped that she was referring to the discussion about movies that was happening at the time.
3. Alternate quote of the week - "I'm a girl. I have every right to change my mind." - Native Edmontonian. Truer words have never been spoken.
4. Memo to self: Albertans are grouchy while on vacation.
5. In a follow-up story - "Nope you MUST clarify by stating that due to EXTREMELY poor customer service from the ongoing Rogers battles, it ruins Albertan's vacation." (Note: editorial license is taken to correct spelling mistakes in the original e-mail so that Albertans don't appear as hicks.)
6. The word of the week - "immobilize".
7. In a related story, extensive research seems to indicate that women may suffer more ACL injuries than men. (Documented research courtesy of Wikipedia - Standard Elder Battlin MacLean wrapping warning - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anterior_cruciate_ligament_injury). Response from one interested party - "What a load of crap. Probably made up by male doctors."
8. Furniture rearranging negotiations continue. It's a good thing that Kimberly checks dates on tickets, and doesn't rely on what her husband tells her.
9. When Deborah asked if the Insider could spot any of the alleged gray in her hair, the Insider immediately senses a trap, and refuses to answer such a leading question. Silly women trying to trap the Insider. See if Paul will fall for it instead.
10. March 27 2007 - the day that will live in infamy. Native Edmontonian is despondent that she has to tick the "Permanent Resident of Ontario" box when applying for her OHIP card. What some people will do to save money on a hospital bill.
11. In related news, the Insider was made aware that despondent may not have been strong enough. The correct verbiage should be "crying like a newborn Albertan wrapped up in her mother's home tanned beaver pelt".
12. A forensic audit by Paul is attempted on the complex algorithms used by Air Canada in determining their prices. The end result - when in doubt, click on accept when you are presented with a fare at a lower price then the previous screen.
13. Buffalo Chicken Wing Salad - a tasty way for females to get men to eat more vegetables?
14. When the hostess of a party decides to announce that she is putting on pyjamas and is going to sleep, the Insider can take a hint.
15. Misquote of the week - "I am a ugly green hunchback ogre that the family had to hide away from general public!". - The Outcast. Honest, the Insider wouldn't lie. The e-mail has been retained as future evidence. Continue to poke the bear... Bring it on, Outcast....
16. Apparently, finance companies require home insurance. Who knew? (Congratulations are in order to the new home owner who picked up keys on Friday. The Insider assumes invitations to a painting party will be forthcoming.)

Insider out.