May 29, 2006:

After a few weeks, the Insider was tired of not being diabolical enough.  The goatee has now been grown back.  Future polls may be taken to determine whether readers prefer the Insider clean-shaven or with facial hair, but this assumes that the Insider is impacted by other people’s viewpoints.

1. The name this week for “The Woman Who Shall Not Be Named” shall be Shortcake.
2. In a surprising turn of events, the Sister directed a challenge to the Insider.  Bring it on sister.  I’ll bring out the photos of the sausage bangs.  No?  How about the afro look from the following year.
3. The final sweeps episode of The Battlin’ MacLeans included yet another guest appearance of the Insider.  In a surprising turn of events, the MacLeans actually stopped battling to form a tag team against the Insider.  Bring it on, ladies.
4. A retainer cheque has been cut to the LEVEL (Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers) to start the inevitable legal proceedings against these two weak challenges.
5. The LEVEL was also engaged this week to provide some readers a pre-screening of selected items in an effort to prevent any future unwarranted legal actions.  This pre-screening caused the slight delay in the release of the report.
6. Additional terms added to the Cape Breton to English lexicon this week included:
   1. “Snot face” – another word for arse, but less harsh.  It has not been determined if putting it in capital letters changes the meaning or not.
   2. “Duck in” – to make an appearance at a social event.
   3. “Gawk” – to have a look around at a social event to see if it is worth staying.
   4. “Oh snap” – this one caused all sort of confusion.  According to interviews with other Cape Breton linguists, this term may be a generational term, or a heretofore undiscovered dialect of Cape Bretonese.  After extensive linguistic studies, the Insider believes that the correct response is “Bring it on, girlfriend”, or “Oh no, you di-int” – combined with a finger wag.  (Research courtesy of http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=oh+snap)
7. Kim’s outrageous claim of the week – She would go clothes shopping and buy only one outfit.
8. Trina’s purchase of a fruit muffin caused all kinds of grief and hysterics.  Recognizing this, the Insider quickly slipped out to purchase anything containing chocolate.
9. Kim demonstrated her ongoing mastery of volleyball by coming back to her first game in six month, and leaving the court with only a minor shoulder injury and pain in pretty well every muscle in her body.
10. The temporary payroll clerk in the office seemed genuinely startled by Kim’s demonstration of the nature of European women's thighs.
11. Paul’s response to Shortcake’s suggestion of attending a Friday night hospital event – “Will there be horny nurses there?”
12. The results from the personality test taken by the Sister this week:

“You are a ‘persuader’. You like to sell things or ideas. Prestige and power are important to you. You like to use your language skills to convince other people of your ideas.”

If “convince other people” means “badger them until they are forced to agree with you in order to shut you up”, then the Insider finds no surprises with the results.  (Bring it on, Sister.)

13. After missing the Friday lunch because of her hair appointment, Kim comments that she is “missing out on everything, and you people always plan things when I’m not here”.  When the Insider notes that people who just returned from a Europe vacation probably shouldn’t be commenting, she is oddly silent.
14. The Olympic judges’ awarded a combined score of 9.0 for Deborah’s full-twisting double back flip manoeuvre during lunch on Friday.  The individual score of 7.0 received from the French judge is a perceived bias to make sure that the Russians won.
15. The Insider is speechless on the e-mail that Paul received from Svetlana, his new Russian Bride e-mail order bride.
16. The Insider finds Kim’s downing of a box of Glosette’s raisins in three mouthfuls to be slightly disturbing.
17. In an effort the prove that the Insider has eyes and ears everywhere, the Insider, in his role as National Project Manager, will see that everyone in the firm updates their picture on the internal Grant Thornton website, including Rob Wadden from the Sydney office.  (Bring it on, Susan).
18. Trina’s disclosed nickname of the week – Tri (pronounced like tree).  The Insider will consider how this can be incorporated in the future.  Potential variants include Beech, Old Hickory, or Palm.  Dogwood is considered too controversial. 
19. Quiz of the week – Number of Czech beers required to get Deborah loopy (Answer – ½)
20. Kim’s provided some helpful hits to Deborah on preventing people from pulling a Single White Female on her.  However, as Kim is the most likely person to swf Deborah, the Insider remains unconvinced of her motives.
21. All conversations at Philthy McNasty’s on Friday night are deemed OTR with the exception of:
    1. The tests into Paul’s selective hearing continue, still with mixed results.
    2. The remedial lessons for Paul on babe watching needs to commence immediately.
    3. The only thing that will upset a Scotsman is when a crowd appears in front of his line of sight to the beer tub girl.
22. The cost of the free makeover taken by Shortcake and Kim on Saturday - $40 and $150 respectively.
23. Pictures taken of Shortcake and her idol, Strawberry Shortcake, will be posted to the website shortly.
24. At the restaurant on Saturday’s night, Paul’s sampling of the parmesan cheese container into his hand for a snack did not go unnoticed.
25. All of the text conversations with Kim on Saturday night are deemed OTR.  Really OTR.  Extremely OTR.  (Note to self:  Schedule the psychiatric appointments to commence this week).
26. "Celebrity" sighting of the week - Ben Mulroney.  The Insider found it slightly disturbing that Shortcake had to text her sister to inform her.
27. When Paul makes a statement that he hopes the bar starts playing better music, the entire table goes into a panic.
28. The Insider is unclear if Paul and Shortcake were serious or sarcastic when they claimed to be the discrete ones of the group.  In order to demonstrate her discreetness, Shortcake then relays a story that included the scraping of metal chairs when attempting to turn and look behind her.
29. All conversations from Saturday night after Shortcake left are deemed OTR.
30. Apparently the RCMP is concerned by how often Susan and her friends have been drunk during the past week, month, year, and in her lifetime.
31. The Insider continues to be amazed at Torontonian car owners.  As he was walking back to the truck, he passes a car that played a sound when it backed.  The head-shaking part was that it wasn’t the standard “beep beep” backing up sound, but was the song “"Good Morning to All".  Bonus points are awarded to anyone who can name the more popular name of this song.
32. Just to demonstrate that the Insider does accept contributions from regular readers:  "Heather, you need to not let your eyebrows get like that".
33. Phase 2 of the North American tour starts this week with a second stop in Vancouver, including a stop at one of Vancouver’s finest restaurants, Gotham.  http://www.guestlife.com/vancouver/dine/gotham.html.

Note that back issues are available at http://spaces.msn.com/brommer71/.  Any corrections, errors, issues, problems, beefs, bouquets, and slander notices should be sent to mailto:Brommer71@msn.com.  Please allow one to two business years for a response.

1. After a successful first leg of the Insider's North American tour, the scheduling for the second leg has already commenced.  Second tour stops include Moncton and a repeat in Vancouver.  Negotiations continue for a European or Asian leg later in the summer.
2. Directions for anywhere in downtown Vancouver shall now be given from the corner of Starbucks and Starbucks (Robson and Thurlow)
3. 4 1/2 hours in the air, plus 3 hours on the tarmac due to lightning storms at the Pearson airport, plus 3 hour time change, plus 1 hour in the airport before the flight, plus travel time at each end = 12 hour flight from Vancouver to Toronto.
4. After driving down Jameson Ave on the way to work and seeing the guy dressed in black jeans, a red lumberjack shirt and tan cowboy boots walking down the street, the Insider now understands the term "obviously a bachelor".
5. Research has determined that the estimated height required for the fencing to keep out the new office neighbours is 6 feet, not including the barbed wire at the top.  Guard dogs remain on order.
6. The Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers (aka LEVEL) may have to be engaged to eliminate the ongoing OTR discussions between Kimberly and the Sister.  Cease and desist orders will soon be issued.  Tin foil is ready for a retaliatory prank, should it be required.
7. Based on observations from Saturday night plans, old people will take naps and then stay in, while the young people will go out on the town.
8. Response to the previous point from a regular reader:  "Frig off".  As the comment was not followed by "you arse", the Insider continues to be stymied by Cape Bretonese/Nova Scotian and will continue his linguistic studies.
9. While walking to Hemmingway's on Saturday night, Paul was referred to as "Indiana Jones" by a homeless person looking for a handout.  The Insider has one response:  "The 30's called and they want their jacket back".
10. The latest book being read by Paul:  "Why Do Men Have Nipples?".  The Insider is unclear if Paul knew what the book was about before he started reading it, but the Insider will inform Paul that is probably does not contain any pictures.
11. Based on conversations disclosed to the Insider, investigations will now commence on whether or not Kim attended a live "demonstration" show while in Prague.
12. Remedial courses for Paul on "babe watching" will commence immediately.  Correct techniques do not include a 270 degree swivel of the head to follow women walking by the table.
13. Even the waitress seem amazed that the tab for the night came to exactly $40.00 with taxes.  Of course, a forensic audit still occurred in order to determine how this should be split among the group.
14. The Insider had an interesting chat with the cops at the RIDE stop located a 1/2 block down at Bloor from the Insider Headquarters at about 2:00 am after the bar.  (For those following along at home, the Insider was walking from the subway stop, and did not drive that night.)
15. While it was determined that the season finale of the Family Guy was the reason for the selection of the afternoon showing of the movie on Sunday, there was a dissension of opinion as to who initiated the timing.  Audio evidence proved inconclusive due to Paul's alleged mumbling of the words "so we" to form "she".
16. The evil laugh count during the Da Vinci Code - 7.
17. Several readers will now be experiencing a "24" withdrawal for the next 7 months.  In a related story, it is only 12 weeks until the real Monday night TV show starts back up.  (That's Monday Night Football, for those not paying attention).

Insider out.

April 26, 2006:

In recognition of Kimberly's departure to Prague tomorrow, the Insider presents an advance screening of this week's report.  For those people worried about their weekly intake, the Insider reports up front that this is a Bubbles free edition.

1.  Kimberly has now taken to singing when talking about the number of work days remaining until her trip.  Concerned citizens everyone tell her not to give up her day job.

2.  Deborah has now taken to singing "Evil Woman" by ELO in determining a theme song for Paul.  Concerned citizens everyone tell her not to give up her day job.

3.  Kim likes Cinnabons.  Although she did have the will power not to eat one of them.

4.  For anyone who read the preceding point and thought that it meant that Kim didn't eat any, the Insider has some nice oceanfront property to sell you.  The Insider just said she didn't eat one.....in fact, she ate three.

5.  The tests into Paul's selective deafness continues.  He hears nothing when Kim talks about shoe shopping, but picks up the conversation when she mentions her waxing appointment.

6.  The remedial course for Linda on the use of smileys to convey sarcasm in e-mails starts next week.

7.  It is now documented that when a person gets a few hairs cut, the marketing department will not recognize them.

8.  It has also been documented that all that is required to enter and walk around the Grant Thornton National Office is a suit and a confident attitude.  If people don't recognize you, they'll just assume you're a new person starting, or you're from one of the offices.  The Insider will now consider how best to incorporate this fact in his information gathering techniques.

9.  Chicks dig scars.  Therefore, the two scars on the back of the Insider's head are from a bar fight and a knife stabbing, and any other stories are hereby denied, whether truthful or not.

10.  Kim is cranky today, as she is getting sick right before the plane flight.  Apparently, Trina and/or Tetley are the most likely culprits of feeling the retaliation.  Trina for alleging providing the illness, and Tetley for being disruptive.

Insider out.

April 17, 2006: 

In an ongoing effort to give Trina the opportunity to live vicariously through others, the Insider presents the following from this past long weekend:

1.  "Paul, the 70's called.  They want their jacket back".

2.  In a very quick debate, it was determined that Chris should be taking Kim to the movies, instead of passing her off to either Paul or Jim.

3.  Ironically enough, George Lopez stars in the George Lopez Show.  What's the chances of that, Paul?

4.  Kim, if you want to see "Failure to Launch".... don't call us, we'll call you.

5.  After hearing Paul and Heather recount tales of broken bones, BB guns, tin can shuriken and other events from childhood in Nova Scotia, the Insider is amazed that anyone survives past the age of 15 in NS.

6.  Heather extols the virtues of the latest class she signed up for - Indian Dance Cardio.....  The Insider is unclear on which follow-up comment works best for this, and will give the options some thought.

7.  The Insider is unsure how to convey the story Heather relayed about the stalking of guys performed by her and Kim in the past.  Another beer is quickly ordered.

8.  Despite being called out by complete strangers for singing along with the radio in her car, Heather determined that the show must go on.  (It was Bon Jovi, after all).

9.  Memo to marketing personnel for distillers:  If you want to sell your brands to women, put them in "cute, little bottles".

10.  It has been scientifically proven that people parked in the Beach LCBO parking lot require, as a minimum, a nine-point turn in order to back out and leave the lot.  The Insider, of course, is the exception to the rule (stupid Toronto drivers).

11.  Kim magnanimously bestows conditional status to Fashion Consultant #5, based on the clothing recommendations made the previous weekend.

12.  Kim contacted the Insider at 8:30AM on Friday morning to determine if anyone pulled an Ellsworth the previous night, and to get the advance scoop on the Insider Report.  Kim.... don't call us, we'll call you.

13.  In a game of Dirty Scrabble, the dirtiest word used was "pole" (twice by Heather).  The Insider showed his utter dominance by winning the game.

14.  Heather does giggle every time the word "rack" is read from the Scrabble instruction sheet.

15.  Everyone was disappointed by Paul's use of the letters of "F" and "U" to form the word "fury".  Normally, another word would be formed in Dirty Scrabble, but maybe Paul doesn't quite get the concept.

16.  Paul's habit of mumbling incoherently to himself right when Linda was trying to read the Trivial Pursuit questions almost gets him permanently banned from all future events.

17.  Paul's drink of choice for the night - Kahlua, Schnapps and milk.  The Insider will pack little pink plastic umbrellas for the next get together.

18.  Given her problems with the IKEA instructions, it is obvious that Heather needs a refresher course in understanding Swedish pictures.  (Insert follow-up joke here).

19.  At the Sunday morning brunch, the concept of lazy Catholics was introduced to Paul.  He will now be evaluating his theological options.

20.  Paul's banana pancakes, stolen from the small child at the next table, turn out to be a big hit at the table.

21.  In an effort to ensure that nobody gets stuck with an unequal portion of the bill, Paul performs a forensic audit on the total, and allocates everyone's share to the penny.  He pulls out nickels and dimes to give change.  Everyone else around the table shakes their heads, and pulls out $15 each, expecting no change.

22.  Kim finally admits that she doesn't check her voice mail on her cell phone, and deletes any voice mail message longer than 2 seconds.  This blows the Insider's "Kim, don't call us.  We'll call you" strategy out of the water.

23.  The Insider can confirm that, in the shock of the weekend, the omelettes were made with real, not processed, cheese.  In a related story, the Insider was not a pleasant person to be around the following 3-4 hours.

24.  In order to satisfy the curious, the Insider acknowledges the menu for Sunday night Easter dinner.  Cajun style jumbo shrimp, with a vegetable plate and olive loaf for the appetizer; ham with roasted baby potatoes, mixed greens and beans for the main course; and chocolate fondue for desert.  Wine was a local Pinot Noir.

25.  The Insider is unsure how to work in a joke related to Deborah pulling her groin muscle on the way to church. 

Insider out.

April 10, 2006: 

Due to being stuck in a training session today, and having nothing else to do, the Insider reports the following events from the past weekend.  Note that no names have been changed to protect the innocent, because a) no one's really innocent and b) how would that be any fun.

1.      Given the choice between hot women and good music, Paul will choose good music.  The Insider shakes his head and mutters to himself.

2.      Most other conversations from the bar on Friday night are deemed OTR (Off the Record).  As per policy, the Insider can disclose at a later date after imbuing a copious amount of beverages.

3.      Heather was almost ready on time, and no one was around to see.  Story of her life.

4.      A healthy debate ensued regarding how fast one can drive while being followed by an off duty police officer.  When Chris blows by Jim on the QEW, it is determined that the limit can be raised.

5.      Chris’s lessons on how to work cruise control are scheduled to start next week.

6.      Even cops get scared when talking to border police.  “We’re going to Target!”

7.      The Insider is unclear how anyone survived in this world with text messaging.  A dead zone in the Gap caused all kinds of chaos.

8.      Chris:  “Whatever you do, don’t give Kim a piece of that gum”.

9.      (5 second later) Chris:  “Kim, do you want a piece of gum?”

10.     Despite using instant maple topping (the horror), Kim decides the dessert at Applebee’s should not be wasted.

11.     The person who said “Don’t you hate it when they don’t have jeans in my size.  I feel so ….. fat.  Now, where’s the Dunkin’ Donuts?” shall remain anonymous.

12.     “Honest officer, we didn’t meet anyone down in the States, and I have no idea why the couple in the next car is waving at us”.

13.     Total spent by Jim - more than USD$300.  Total spent by Heather – less than USD$20.  Remedial lessons on what “power shopping” actually means start next week.

14.  Apparently, Kim likes worn-in leather over bumpy leather.  The Insider is assuming she was talking about furniture, and does not wish to pursue the topic any further.

15.     It was noted that Paul wore his “big boy” shoes to the movie.

16.     Every time a death happened in the movie, an evil laugh could be heard coming from the crowd. 

Insider out.

April 3, 2006

Based on hazy recollections, the Insider reports the following:

1. “Nah, I don’t need to write down directions.”  Paul proceeds to take a nice side road tour or Eastern Etobicoke and Western Toronto after getting lost while picking up Jim.
2. Linda is 34 years old.  No?  33?  No?  35?  No?  32?  (Paul continues the foot in mouth disease trend .)
3. It is now documented that men can be fully changed and be ready for a black tie event in less than 5 minutes.  Timing for women is still unproven and untested.
4. 5 relief pitchers are too much for a standard fantasy baseball team.
5. While Linda is annoyed with having been ID’d, Heather is quite excited when she is carded.  Accept at movie theatres by a young kid who calls her “Ma’am”.
6. The virtues of Eau d’Esso is extolled on the cab ride to the Time.
7. Pre-drinking is still popular for transplanted East Coasters.  At least, that’s the presumed reason for the lack of people before 11:00.
8. The pink stilettos are awarded the Best Shoes of the Night award.
9. In the opinion of some, women with tattoos on the shoulder or upper back should not be allowed to wear strapless formal dresses.  After a lengthy debate, it is determined that the lower back or upper thigh is the ideal place for a tattoo.
10. A second lengthy debate ensues to determine if the woman dressed in orange is actually in formal attire.  It is determined to take a picture of her so that Mrs. Robinson can cast the deciding vote at a later date.
11. The term "obviously a bachelor" is never explained.
12. Paul is not involved in any of the previous conversations, being mostly consumed in shoving people at the table aside to ogle questionably hot women.
13. In a move foreshadowing Paul’s inebriation, his camera is dropped, losing the batteries in the crowd.  They are later found and recaptured by Heather on her way to the dance floor.
14. It is unclear how the glitter appeared on both of Paul’s cheeks.
15. Heather’s lengthy stay in the washroom is never full explained, despite her threat and willingness to graphically state all details.  Coincidently, Paul and Bruce go for another round of drinks before she is able to elaborate.
16. Hey, look.  Paul’s going to request a song.
17. Hey, look.  Paul just shoved the DJ.
18. For future events, an investigation has been launched for the exact song that sent Paul over the edge.  The early Vegas lines have it as “I am Woman” by Helen Ready.
19. Using the term “Frickin’ Guido” is not the best way to engage in deliberations with a DJ on the song list chosen for the night.  (Note actual term used has been replaced by the colloquialism used by East Coasters in order to avoid spam blocking software.)
20. Even while being escorted out, the bouncer still offers to give Paul free cardio lessons.  This will ensure that the “Big Guy” nickname will continue for a while.
21. It is unclear what other pending appointments the taxi driver may have after the drop off to Paul’s place.  Cries of “no tip” can be heard from the very back seat.  Jim decides to ignore Heather and tips the driver anyway.
22. Every second sentence uttered by Paul in his place is “I’m normally a very nice person”.  It becomes the catch phrase of the night.
23. The opening line in conversations from Paul the following day is “Oh, my head!”.
24. The Insider reports that three cheese manicotti and chocolate milk makes an excellent hangover meal.
    

Insider out.