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    June 20

    Insider Report Special Edition - How to Get Jet Lag - The Sequel

    For those following along at home, consider this the sequel to the popular Jet Lag from Winnipeg to Toronto issue from back in December.  This one is entitled Jet Lag from Providence to Toronto.  The recipe is as follows:
    1. Book a 6:45 PM return flight from Providence, Rhode Island to Toronto for what should be a 90 minute flight (albeit in the smallest airplane that the Insider has ever flown in, and that includes lots of flights up to Nunavut).
    2. Check into the airport 90 minutes ahead, only to find out that the flight is delayed by 2 hours.
    3. Hit the bar for a beverage and something to eat.  While checking the net on the laptop, find out that the actual delay is 3 hours.
    4. Go though security after 2 hours with everyone checking the boarding pass details.
    5. Get to the gate to find out that the flight has been cancelled.  Apparently, there was some sort of announcement, but it hasn't heard by pretty much everyone, including the security staff mentioned in the preceding point checking all the boarding passes.
    6. Make sure that there's no attendant at the gate to help people reschedule their tickets.
    7. Make sure that there's no attendant at the check-in desk to help people reschedule their tickets.
    8. Ensure that it takes at least 30 minutes to get through to someone at the 1-800 number for Air Canada reservations.
    9. Determine that the next available flight is 12 hours later at 9:00 AM, but that this flight is already oversold.
    10. Determine that the next available flight with empty seats is 24 hours later.
    11. Have the Air Canada operator inform you that there are flights out of Boston (about an hour's drive), but that you won't be able to make it in time.  (Note that this is due to not being informed of the cancellation while sitting in the bar).
    12. Book the next available flight out of Boston (6:45 AM).
    13. Rent a car to drive to Boston.
    14. Investigate the option of just driving to Toronto, but be told that rental car companies won't allow one-way trips over the border.
    15. Drive to Boston, trying to find the airport using a rental car map, hoping that there are clear road signs on the highway.  (Note that while this would be difficult for a certain Haligonian, the Insider finds the airport without any directional challenges.)
    16. Get to the Air Canada desk to find out that the last flight out to Boston was just missed, as it was late leaving.  (Just not that late so that you could actually catch it.  See point 11).
    17. Have the Air Canada agent tell you that the 6:45 AM flight has actually already been cancelled and get rebooked on the 10:45 AM flight.  (Note that the 9:15 AM flight is oversold with no empty seats).
    18. Take a cab to the hotel right by the airport, only to find out that the hotel is completely booked.  Have the hotel staff be extra helpful and tell you that every hotel in the area is also completely booked, due to all the flight cancellations that night, but she does find a hotel about 30 minutes away by cab.
    19. While booking a reservation using the cell phone on the way to the hotel, be sure to have the agent remind you of the deadline for cancelling the room reservation, which was actually 6 hours prior to when you're actually on the phone making the reservation.
    20. Get to the hotel around midnight, and then try to fall asleep.  Note that you have a splitting headache all day, which is attributed to the "24 hour flu" from the double rye and gingers consumed the night before while chatting up the cute waitress at the brewery.  (The beverage consumed in step 3 may have been a "hair of the dog" variety).  Toss and turn for a good 3 hours.
    21. Make sure that you pay an exorbitant amount for a breakfast, as you didn't get a chance to eat anything for supper the previous night.  ($4 glass of orange juice, anyone?)
    22. Show up to the airport a good 2 hours in advance, on the advice of the airport staff the previous night who indicated that it would be "crazy the next day so arrive early".
    23. Get the boarding pass in under 3 minutes as there's no one line-up of any kind.
    24. Make sure that the boarding pass gets marked with a "S S S S" which indicates that security should pull you out of the line-up and perform advanced checks, including a pat down, and a complete search of all carry-on baggage.
    25. Spend 90 minutes in the waiting area lounge, spending most of the time on the phone rearranging appointments that were scheduled for that morning.
    26. After take-off, have the captain come on with three separate announcements related to the turbulence of the flight.

    The Insider is looking forward to the plane ride to Halifax next week.......

    Insider out.

    7:36 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it
    June 14

    Insider Report Volume #2 Issue #20 - (Special Ireland Edition)

    June 14, 2007:

    The following accounts of the Second Annual European Tour are the property of the Insider Inc. Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of the pictures and accounts of this Tour without the express written consent of The Insider is strictly prohibited. Note that Mr. Paul Ellsworth, Esq., may attempt to claim partial ownership. The LEVEL (Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers) is on retainer for the inevitable challenge.

    1. All of the following points are considered On The Record, and have been vetted by Mr. Paul Ellsworth, Esq. Interested readers can contact the Insider directly for Off The Record items (say like the conversation that the Hen Party had about the two old guys.....). Price for disclosure is negotiable....
    2. It is determined early on that Paul will be in charge of purchasing, and the Insider will handle logistics.
    3. Note to any readers about to submit a comment of how the preceding point would be a good Far Side cartoon with a subtitle of "How Accountants Take Vacation", please be advised that this idea would be extremely unoriginal and would gain low points for originality.
    4. The trip is off to an auspicious start when the cabby on way to the Hamilton airport claims to be a former musician who used to live in Dublin.
    5. Emergency plane landings are overrated.
    6. The Insider is not convinced that the results of the forensic audit on plane fares yields initial successful results.
    7. First meal in Dublin - Burger King.
    8. Paul decides on baked beans for breakfast. The Insider is uncertain how the subsequent 2 hour bus trip will go.
    9. Heard the first day from the tour director - "You didn't come to Ireland for the weather." Note that this is in the middle of a torrential rainstorm on the Hill of Tara. The rest of the trip is nothing but sunny skies. So much so that the Insider came back with an unexpected tan.
    10. Paul's choice of reading material for the trip - "The Game - Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists".
    11. Paul pre-warns the Insider about his mastery of cribbage. The Insider shrugs his shoulders and proceeds to dominate the tournament held during the week, starting with an opening skunk game.
    12. Paul admits the fashion sense of the 60 year old bus driver puts him to shame. The Insider shakes his head.
    13. The Insider comes all the way to Ireland to hear a live pub band play country music...bad country music.... (sorry Buckley).
    14. Paul's disinterest in the Belleek Pottery tour is in evidence by his prodding the tour guide to complete the tour quicker.
    15. Quote of the week - "Let me see what's around the corner." - Mr. Paul Ellsworth.
    16. Paul's sense of fashion is challenged when he asks if the mauve long sleeve shirt matches the olive green shorts he has on. When the Insider shakes his head, another shirt is quickly chosen. "How bad does this look?" In all fairness, living out of a suitcase for 10 days limits the available wardrobe choices.
    17. "Why is your pop the same price as mine??`` - Paul expresses consternation at the size of glassware in Irish pubs.
    18. The over-under on Paul falling asleep on the bus when the tour director starts in on one of her history lessons - 15 minutes.
    19. The technique used in Italy in order to get to sleep ahead of Paul proves to be less successful in Ireland due to the inferior quality of late night Irish TV compares to Italian TV.
    20. "That's the most action I've gotten this trip."- overheard on the tour after kissing the Blarney Stone.
    21. The Insider is fairly certain that "the Okie from Muskogee" is not a standard Irish ditty. What is with these Irish pub bands??
    22. Paul's only purchase at the Waterford Crystal factory was a chocolate bar. (Sorry Kim). The Insider purchased something that required a box.
    23. The Insider will graciously concede the fact that Paul had the correct directions back to the bus following the buggy ride. Therefore, the score on directions is Paul - 1, the Insider - significantly more than 1.
    24. Average age of the tour - let's say 50. Average age in the pub on Friday night - let's say 15.
    25. The Insider comments that Paul should stop swivelling his head at the "sights" in Dublin. The response - "ah they're never going to see me again anyways."
    26. All of the events at Temple Bar on Saturday night remain OTR with the exception of the next point.
    27. Alternate quote of the week - "La la la la la".
    28. Number of Guinesses consumed on the trip in Ireland by Paul - 0. The reason given - Ireland is a dry country and you can't find it anywhere. A certain Haligonian may be shaking her head in disgust while reading this.
    29. Apparently, while there are lots of sheep in Ireland, there are no wool stores to be found. (Sorry Buckley).
    30. Apparently, there are also no Aran sweaters to be found at any price less than double what any native Irish person would legitimately pay. (Sorry Kim).
    31. Despite closures on 5 London tube lines, the directional skills of the Insider are working with full effect in finding the hotel in London.
    32. The size of the big screen TV in the London hotel room proves to be near equal to the one in Rome from last year's European tour.
    33. Paul's observation on the similar moles on the finalists of the British version of "Grease: You're The One That I Want" is particularly humorous to the Insider after quickly realizing that the moles are actually "Britney Spears" type mikes. The keen powers of observation strike again. "So I'm oblivious to certain things".
    34. Kimberley had better appreciate the "cheeky" postcard, given that the Insider had to wait in a queue stretching outside the post office to buy the stamp required to mail it. At least people will assume Paul sent it.
    35. With the assistance of Paul, the directional skills of the Insider are becoming more renowned after being stopped for directions multiple times.
    36. Paul declines to order the 25 Pound bottle of champagne at Spamalot, despite the fact it would be hand-delivered to his seat.
    37. The queuing systems employed through Great Britain need further investigations after the results at the Dublin airport and the London Eye.
    38. The Insider takes advantage of the London leg of the Tour to replace the London Eye monument destroyed in the Great Move of 2005. The replacement model is considered an upgrade, with a high-tech laser system and light show.
    39. Pictures of the Tour can be found on the official website of the Insider - http://brommer71.spaces.live.com/

    Insider out.

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