August 14, 2006:

Sigh…  Some people never learn.  Apparently, the real season of the Battlin’ MacLeans starts this past week, when the Insider is challenged once again by Baby Battlin’ MacLean.  Baby expresses extreme disappointment in the lack of entries in the previous week’s Report, in spite the Insider’s attempt to make everything OTR so as not to embarrass Baby.  Baby now claims nothing is OTR and declares that there can be full disclosure on everything.  Snap.  Oh no, she di-int.  The Insider recalls the last time Baby issued such a challenge.  It was over approximately 15 minutes after the release of the Report with a humiliating surrender by Baby (see IR Vol#1, Issue#10, Point #1).

1. The week starts off on a resounding start for Kim, having to deal with the noise complaint from her neighbours.  She attempts to blame Tetley.
2. Paul quickly learns that women will actually look at the souvenirs you bring back for them.  For the record, there is no place in Italy named Sanmarind, and Deborah notices the incorrect spelling on her snow globe in approximately 10 seconds.  Next time, Paul will be selecting the more expensive version.
3. Tetley causes Kim further issues when he decides to tangle with a skunk.  He lost.  Or rather, Kim and Chris lost.
4. In the first instance of full disclosure, Rob’s interest perks up when the Battlin’ MacLeans initiate a discussion on candy underwear.
5. In the second instance of full disclosure, Baby’s history of jobs is revealed.  Or more accurately, her lack of history.  The Insider is still not sure if you have to work at least one shift in order for it to count as a job, but will concede the single shift at Subway, and the two days at the pet store may count.  Welcome to the real world kid.
6. Most (un?) surprising comment of the week – “Cape Bretoners have jobs?” – Paul Ellsworth.
7. In the third instance of full disclosure, Baby reveals that all she really wanted when she started dating Rob was a gay best friend.
8. Note to Mrs MacLean:  Rob is extremely disappointed he has yet to have any of your no-fail fudge.
9. Voice mail messages left on the Insider's phone by Baby tend to be much quieter than ones left by Paul. 
10. Paul continues to demonstrate that he will eat parmesan cheese in whatever form it is available in.
11. Paul pulls no punches when describing women.  This may have been advanced by the Insider’s continual “and…” comments.  Baby’s sensitive ears were shocked.  She now understands what the rest of us have to deal with on a daily basis.
12. Paul displays his newly purchased Italian leather shoes to much fanfare.  (Note that the Insider believes that they were purchased in Germany.)
13. No Kim, the Insider will not go see "The Devil Wears Prada".  Take your husband instead.
14. The Insider wonders when Baby will remember that the Insider will be in Nova Scotia in less than 2 weeks.  When will she regret her challenge?
15. In an effort to alleviate the curiosity of some readers (and to stop them continually asking), the Insider presents the following comments regarding the European Tour.  All points have been vetted through the legal department to ensure that all disclosure rules have been met:
    • The big screen TV in the Rome hotel room was fabulous.  Made the time when the luggage was lost go that much faster.
    • A 7AM phone call was received from the baggage handling company at the airport to indicate that the lost luggage was found.  The early call was "appreciated" when the luggage showed up at the hotel around 11PM that night. 
    • Yes, Paul.  Everyone can see you’re wearing socks with your sandals.
    • Paul’s indecisiveness (cheapness??) shows when deciding what excursions to go on.  The Insider just shakes his head, and circles to attend everything.
    • In the final tally – number of excursions not attended by Paul – 0.
    • Paul learns why no one else volunteered to sit on the outside of the table in the roadside restaurant near Piazza Navona.
    • Who needs air conditioning in the hotel when it’s 36 degrees Celsius outside?  AC's just for wimps.
    • Despite the insisting of the Insider, Paul decides not to send the cultural postcard to Kim.
    • While the Insider is sure that San Gimignano is a wonderful town, it is not fully appreciated in the condition that the Insider was in.
    • Standard travelling rules involve the Insider throwing on the iPod and being woken up when anything exiting happened.
    • Number of iPods charged by the Insider during the trip – 4.
    • There was shopping in Milan??  
    • Amount of time required to see Pisa – 45 minutes tops.
    • The trick to getting to sleep first – put on late night Italian TV to distract the roommate.
    • 8 month old child with the chicken pox who wakes up 4 times during the night – quiet compared to the Human Buzz Saw of Snoring.  The Insider feels vindicated when others on the bus experience the snoring extravaganza first hand near the end of the trip.
    • Glass blowing demonstrations are much better than leather making demonstrations.
    • Always go shoe shopping in Venice with a minimum of 2 women.
    • Always go on a gondola ride in Venice with a minimum of 5 women.
    • Quote of the trip: “Gee, you Canadian guys can drink”. – Anonymous Australian.
    • Choice of things to do on the final day in Rome – 1. visit the Spanish Steps, or 2. sleep in the non-air conditioned room, followed by sitting for 5 hours by the pool.  Option 2 was taken without hesitation.  (Note this might have been because of the needed recovery from the events of the night before).
    • Viewing Pirates of the Caribbean 2 with subtitles in both French and German makes for an interesting movie experience.
    • Italian wine is best purchased at the airport in Munich.
    • Seven hours in the Newark airport is fun.  The Insider suggests others try it in the future. 
    • First statement uttered by Kim upon return – “Did you get a tattoo”?
    • First statement uttered by Heather upon return – “Is that tattoo real?”

Insider out.

July 17, 2006:

The last Insider Report before the extended hiatus related to the 2006 European Tour.  Readers are warned not to accept any substitutions while the Insider is away.  Several long-time readers have offered (threatened?) to stand-in for the Insider while he is conducting his extensive research on Mediterranean "culture".  A duly appointed proxy may be nominated before the start of the trip.  Volunteers may be accepted.  All other pretenders to the throne will be prosecuted.  The LEVEL (Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers) remains on red alert.

Note that irregular updates may happen on the official website of the Insider and the Insider Report: http://brommer71.spaces.msn.com/

1. A competition ensues this week related to how many times 2 long-term readers will get mentioned in this week's report.  There will be a tally at the end of the report.
2. The work week starts off with Deborah and Kimberly having an extended conversation with Trina regarding her hair.  For some reason, this fascinating commentary takes place right outside of the Insider's office, resulting in 5 minutes of his life that the Insider will never get back.
3. An entry in the Daily Show desktop calendar this week  "Spain is the world's leading exporter of naps".  Picture is on the website in the Misc section.  The Insider quickly checks his plane ticket and tour itinerary to determine if Paul secretly changed the trip from Italy.
4. SWF moment of the week - Kim may need to quickly purchase the ivory couch from Ikea that the Insider has already picked out.
5. Big news on the Glace Bay front, as Baby Battlin' MacLean now feels like a "real person" by landing a job.  Her reaction:  "Woop woop!!!!!!"  {sic}.  Welcome to the real world, kid.  The first paycheque can be spent frivolously.  The following ones are all about bills.
6. It is assumed that the new season of the Battlin' MacLeans will begin the first week of August, when the new season opens up with a special on-location episode.  Readers are encouraged to get their front row tickets now. 
7. Kimberly starts an investigation on whether a new pet qualifies for extended parental leave.
8. Note to Paul: When telling a joke, it works better if you don't say the punch line halfway through the joke.
9. Paul reconsiders the fighting with his fashion consultant when he gets a series of compliments related to the shirt that Kim bought for him.  The smirk on Kim's face is visible for at least 2 days following.
10. In a related story, Paul is now re-evaluating his objection to the "Layered Look" for general office wear.
11. Additional term added to the Haligonian to English lexicon this week - "Holy jumpin'".  It's not a phrase uttered much in Manitoba.  We would just swear instead.
12. Kim has great fun reading the Italian to English phrase book.  She claims that the Insider may need to memorize the phrase "Ho un problema con cattivo odore" given the Insider's choice of roommate for the trip.
13. Foot in mouth disease continues when Paul tells Deborah "You'd look good with gray hair".  Cries of "yellow light, yellow light" were ignored when he proceeds to try to explain himself.
14. The iconic and wise axioms of Al Bundy are espoused in e-mails during this past week.
15. Youngsters and their techo-speak?  The Insider is momentarily confused when the acronym "WTB" appears in an e-mail this week.  After a bit of confusion, it is finally attributed to a typo of "BTW" and thus an entry in the Cape Breton to English lexicon was voided.
16. Most unsurprising comment of the week:  "I am allergic to public transit." - Kimberly Robinson.  This from the same woman who said she was going to be walking to work during the summer.
17. In addition to the previously documented fact of having a big head, Paul also confirms that he has a hard head, after relaying a story about head butting someone else unconscious.
18. Toronto economic development plan - stadiums, parades, sports teams, conventions.  Glace Bay economic development plan - bring in a bird.  http://www.capebretonpost.com/news.aspx?pname=News&section=News.  Click on the "Select a Story" button, and select Heron Heaven from the drop down list.   (Standard message about web link wrapping for the technically challenged in the crowd).
19. The Insider earns solid marks from the Organizer for the cleaning effort related to the Friday Night Extravaganza, with a grade of B being awarded.  In guy terms, this means good enough.  In female terms, it means that small extra steps have to be taken before the rest of the guests arrived.
20. The game of dirty pictionary provides some unexpected results into the minds of certain individuals.  The sheets will be removed from the easel before it is returned to the office boardroom.  
21. The game of Twister produced no lawsuits for the LEVEL to deal with.  There was one tweaked knee during the event, but the Insider has determined that there wouldn't be much point in suing himself.
22. Pictures of the first Friday Night Extravaganza are now available on-line at the web site.  One picture has been deemed OTR and has not been posted.  Interested parties can contact the Insider to receive a copy.
23. The high school yearbook photos of the Insider remain hidden for the foreseeable future. 
24. One of the funniest moments at the comedy club on Saturday night is produced from the phone call from Andrew and Lisa, when it is determined that they are going to the wrong comedy club.
25. Saturday night produces different views on the two waitresses.  Despite cries of "no tip, no tip", the post forensic audit reveals the Insider tips the first waitress the correct amount.  The second waitress provides amusement to the group, after using sarcastic wit at both Paul and Andrew.  (Not that this was a hard challenge for her).
26. Text message from the Sister when she spies the Organizer nickname assigned to Kim: "But.....*shocked looked....*I* am the organizer!"
27. Entry on the Sister's blog this week:  "Grown men playing Twister = so wrong. Even if they are drunk."  The Insider had to inform her that it was actually the women who suggested playing.  The pictures were mostly of guys, because the women sucked at the game and were out early.

28. For those keeping score at home, Paul wins the Appearance Challenge 7-0.  Forensic audit will probably ensue.

Insider out.

July 10, 2006:

Plans are now finalized for the European tour.  Only one more Insider report until the trip gets underway.  Readers should note that there will be a disruption in service during this time.  The complaint department can be reached by texting the cell phone.  It should be an interesting visit to Italy given the results of the World Cup.

1. "The Woman Who Shall Not Be Named" shall be known this week as Lemondrop.
2. The week's edition of the Battlin' MacLeans features a start-up of the war by Lemondrop.  Photoshop altering of an old photo of Baby may be involved.
3. Tag line being used in e-mail coming from the Sydney GT office - "Keeping Macleans's together since May 2006."  This may be the reason why the Battlin' MacLeans haven't been as battlin' recently.
4. If Native Edmontonian may want to remain anonymous, it's probably not a wise idea to refer to Nova Scotians, especially Cape Bretoners, as lightweights and city slickers.
5. Follow-up comment from the Native Edmontonian when told by at least one Cape Bretoner that they've never been a city slicker in their life:  "Big talk from those 'nappers'."  The Insider senses a challenge....
6. Most surprising comment of the week - "Someone should light a fire under my ass." - Kimberly Robinson.  The Insider is hoping she was talking about getting motivated, and was not referring to the pizza lunch from the painting party last weekend.
7. SWF moment of the week - Kimberly and Deborah buying the same belt while on a noon time shopping trip.
8. Kimberly's reaction to Paul's Top 10 Things to Look for in a Female list - "Paul, we have to seriously discuss this".
9. Separate comments from the Native Edmontonian this week "so men are not only sensitive, but lazy too…" followed by "ok, so men are sensitive, lazy and grumpy..."  The Insider senses a possible second challenge?  So much for trying to remain anonymous.
10. It was revealed this week, that in addition to game worn shirt, Kimberly and Deborah would no problems wearing game worn shoes either.
11. Foot in mouth disease continues.  When Paul does a few double takes at the two driver licenses of Kim taken a couple of years apart, the correct answer to the question "Do I look that much fatter, Paul" is no.  In fact, the correct answer should have been not to be doing the double takes in the first place.
12. As a result of this incident, the Insider is now instituting a yellow light policy.  Whenever, Paul is about to say something really bad through sheer ineptitude, the Insider will mutter "Yellow light.  Yellow light" under his breath.  (Or will scream it out loud if selective deafness ensues.)
13. With the circus being held at the ACC this week, the elephants being kept in the basement leads to some interesting odours.  It is a good thing that Linda is headed back to Cape Breton for the weekend.  "Ultra Terrifying.  Clowns and dancing bears.  Ughhhh...."
14. This week's Dilbert cartoons that features the Insane Chicks Club leads to some interesting comparisons within the office.
    • On violating the Insane Chick Codes of Ethics, "that's so true" - Paul Ellsworth
    • Kim indicates that she would be an ideal facilitator for the club, but would not be the leader.  When pressed as to who should be the leader, there is "lots of choices…"
15. Paul relays a story of his dad returning used fruit.  The question from Kim:  "Was your dad an accountant?"  Answer from Paul:  "No, he was just a Cape Bretoner."  Native Edmontonian begins to rethink her city slicker comment.
16. Foot in mouth disease continues, but in the reverse.  Kim to Paul "you should come to Weight Watchers with me".  The Insider remembers a similar comment directed at him in the past, so it has yet to be determined if this comment was thrown out by Kim in retaliation for past comments made by Paul.
17. The yellow light policy leads to immediate positive results when Paul refuses to be baited by Kim and her Weight Watcher's follow up comments.
18. With at least two mouthfuls left her in beer, Lemondrop notices a lemon seed at the bottom of her drink.  According to at least one eyewitness, when she is asked "is that yours?", Lemondrop responds with "no" and continues drinking.  It is alleged that the waitress must have left it when she squeezed a lemon into the drink.  It is unclear if the group really bought this story.
19. In a related story, Native Edmontonian begins to really rethink her city slicker comment, and may be scared now.
20. Perhaps in an effort to bring the Insane Chicks Club to life, both Lemondrop and Native Edmontonian make outrageous claims that The Insider may misquote people in some of his material, or that he may bend the truth.  The Insider senses a possible third challenge?  Bring it on...
21. Personal message #1 on L-Fed’s MSN account this week: "Walk the Dragon?  I am the Dragon."  The Insider has no idea what the heck this means.
22. Personal message #2 on L-Fed’s MSN account this week:  "Lisafer - yes as in the devil".  This one's so good it makes the Insider disappointed that he didn't think of it.
23. Lemondrop once again tries to convince people to go ballroom dancing.  Paul's reaction: "You have to have holes in your head...it would take copious quantities of beer to get me up dancing."  The Insider remembers when copious quantities of beer led to Paul dancing, and it wasn't pretty.  This involved females leading Paul around the dance floor, to the best recollection of the Insider.
24. Toban phrase of the week - "OTR".  This one has been quickly adapted all across the country, and may soon warrant t-shirts being printed up, according to one source.
25. In related stories, most of Friday and Saturday night were deemed OTR by others.
26. The newest edition to the Robinson household was picked on Friday.  However, it may be a while before the new pup is giving a drink of water right before a road trip.
27. Organizing activities related to Saturday night including waking Paul up from his nap.
28. Despite the phrases "yellow light, yellow light" coming from his immediate right, Paul continues on with comments directed towards Lemondrop.  When he starts dancing a mini-jig in his chair in celebration of his shot, it is clear that these comments were actually thought out in advance.  Note to Lemondrop, if the jig is any indication of Paul's dancing ability, you may want to rethink your attempts to go ballroom dancing.
29. Saturday night included recounts of party stories when individuals were younger.  While the individual stories remain OTR (mostly at the request of Cape Bretoners whose parents or sisters may read the Report), the Insider astonished the women at the table when he indicates he has nothing, and that he has lived a pure and innocent life.  When the Insider is challenged on this point, a text message to the Sister is sent to confirm, and to release any details that she has available.  The Sister counters with offering some pictures, but the Insider is aware that she is just talking about some baby pictures of the Insider, and the Insider would be considered just too darn cute in them.
30. The subway ride on the way home provides a classic example of "When geeks get drunk", when the group sitting near the Insider starts talking about how no one gives a high-five anymore.  Ah, to be a teenager and drinking your first beer.  Brings a tear to the eye.
31. The results of the Sunday morning Death Match Volleyball Classic are not yet known as of press time.  Expect further updates next week, as Paul is sure to have said something offside.
32. Plans are well underway for this Friday's Extravaganza.  For those in Toronto, stay tuned......

Insider out.

June 19, 2006

Apparently, the Report is gaining momentum.  It was amazing the number of readers who contacted the Insider this week in an effort to sell out other readers on embarrassing stories or photos from the past.  The Insider looks on in great amusement, but reminds readers that the Insider is all about current events.  The shelf life for submission is about 2 weeks at best in order to be considered for publication.  The exception to this rule is any story that would generate a nickname for “The Woman Who Shall Not Be Named".

1.            In an effort to save time, and to deal with the throbbing headache that the Insider has while writing this week’s report, “The Woman Who Shall Not Be Named” shall be known this week as EBM (Elder Battlin’ MacLean).  Negotiations are almost complete on the rights to a permanent nickname, as new nicknames are getting tougher to come up with on a weekly basis.

2.            This week’s edition of the Battlin’ MacLeans is a special back-to-back episode.  In the first episode, EBM should consider herself lucky that the camp ring story told to the Insider this week by Baby Battlin’ MacLean is considered way past the expiry date for current events , and is OTR at the best of times.  (Sell out of the week #1)

3.            The second episode features EBM sending an old photo of Baby to the Insider, perhaps as a retaliatroy strike for the camp ring story.  (Sell out of the week #2).  It was deemed OTR and will not be distributed by the Insider.

4.             The Sister’s reply to last week’s Report – posting comments on the website in the form of an evil laugh.  Are diabolical plots still being planned?  The Insider remains unconcerned.  The LEVEL remains on retainer.

5.             Kimberly seems overly fascinated with the painted toes from her pedicure.  In a related story, EBM made sure to inform the Insider that the Chinese women performing the pedicure has issues with the hair growth on Kim’s legs, complete with the sound effects made (Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow).  (Sell out of the week #3)  This prompts an immediate trip home by Kim to perform an emergency hair removal.

6.             Baby Battlin’ MacLean may be involved in a spin-off of the Battlin’ MacLeans.  The new series is as yet untitled, but based on the e-mails exchanged with the Sydney Grant Thornton office, there looks to be mode battlin' happening in the Sydney/Glace Bay area.  (Sell out of the week #4).  Phase 3 of the North American tour is likely to include a stop in Sydney in August, so the Insider may have to arrange front row tickets to the new series.

7.             Most Useless Discussion of the Week - Kim and Paul talking about how both of them have big heads.

8.             SWF Moment of the week - Trina commenting that she should take Jeff shirt shopping after seeing the summer wardrobe of the Insider.  (The Insider is nothing if not stylish).

9.             Trina will probably never wear stretchy pants to the office again, after having Kim perform a wedgie on her.  At least she wasn’t wearing Tidy-Whities.

10.         It is alleged that Paul will be spending the week with college co-eds, and Kim doesn’t want to hear about his “education”.

11.         In a bold and daring move, Trina compares the Insider to the comic book guy from the Simpsons.  Is this a challenge being made to the Insider?  Does Trina really want the full wrath of the Insider to come down on her?  Standard legal contract will be issued to absolve the Insider of all legal responsibilities for the inevitable emotional trauma to be experienced by Tri.

12.         A trip to the Bay for Paul proves especially frustrating when the salesclerk knew nothing about the coupon that Paul had.  The issue may have been that the coupon was for Mark's Work Wearhouse, and not the Bay.

13.         Kim needs at least one beer after the shopping trip with Paul.  (And she thought being a fashion consultant to Mr. Fashionista would be easy.)

14.         The Insider will start investigations on why car batteries keep breaking down in Sydney.  (Sell out of the week #5).

15.         With Kim headed home to Glace Bay for the weekend, it is assumed that the Nova Scotian accent will be in full force for the next month or so upon her return.

16.         It is revealed this week that Trina is sensitive to the smell of vanilla.  In the same conversation, it is also revealed that Kim is sensitive to the smell of burnt linen.

17.         Personal message on Baby’s MSN account this week – “Happy Birthday, Mel B.”  The Insider is unclear why Baby is celebrating the birthday of a spice girl.

18.         Personal message on L-Fed’s MSN account this week – “Hooked on Grey's Anatomy".  The Insider notes that other readers seemed to be fascinated with this particular show, but doesn’t see the appeal.  Now once a show is made about the exiting lives of accountants….

19.         In a fortunate turn of events, the e-mail from EBM that converts your name into Russian is opened after the Insider has disconnected the laptop from the overhead projector.

20.         Optimum number of beers before a Friday night flight out of Moncton back to Toronto, especially when the plane is an hour late – 1.       

21.         Still the optimum number of beers before a 6:30 AM flight out of Sydney, NS (and don't let anyone tell you different) - 0.

22.         It seems that it is a Maritime tradition to still have to pay airport fees directly at the airport.  While paying the fees in Moncton, the Insider has flashbacks to the Sydney airport.

23.         Baby discloses to the Insider that she will be attending a GT event in the Sydney office.  The Insider notes that the tradition of MacLeans crashing GT events has been passed onto the next generation.

24.         Evil laugh count during the hockey game – 1.  Girly scream count during the game – 3.  It should be noted that both sounds were uttered by Paul.

25.         Watching the game with a native Edmontonian results in a disclosure that she couldn’t concentrate with the game on at home.  For Game 7, apparently the game worn jersey will be taken out of storage.

26.         An exciting game of “who’d you rather” is played at the bar after the hockey game, with Edmontonians preferring guys in pink shirts.

27.         A debate breaks out on the appropriateness of tattoos on women.  The Insider recalls a similiar debar back a few months ago.  (See iR Vol#1, Iss#1, Point #9).  Amazingly enough, Paul did not remember the original debate.  The end result is still the same, as it was determined that the lower back is the ideal location.

28.         The selective deafness tests continue with more mixed results.

29.         The weekly forensic audit occurs on the bill.  Paul claims that it is the accountant in him, not the auditor, which requires him to make sure that the bill is correct.  Speaking as both, the Insider is completely indifferent.

30.         The plans for the European tour are almost complete.  The second leg of the North American tour has been expanded to include an extra stop in Thunder Bay.

Insider out.

For those regular readers who prepaid an amount to the Insider's favourite charity, this week's report is available for your viewing.  It includes such topics as:

• The new weekly name of “The Woman Who Shall Not Be Named”
• The happening in this week's episode of the Battlin' MacLeans.
• The personal messages on two readers' MSN accounts.
• Kim's outrageous claim of the week.
• The nickname of the week.
• Most unsurprising comment of the week.
• A cliff-hanger ending.

Be sure to count the "strikes" contained within the Report.

For those cheapskates out there, the non-paying version of the Report will be issued when I get around to it.

Insider out.

May 29, 2006:

After a few weeks, the Insider was tired of not being diabolical enough.  The goatee has now been grown back.  Future polls may be taken to determine whether readers prefer the Insider clean-shaven or with facial hair, but this assumes that the Insider is impacted by other people’s viewpoints.

1. The name this week for “The Woman Who Shall Not Be Named” shall be Shortcake.
2. In a surprising turn of events, the Sister directed a challenge to the Insider.  Bring it on sister.  I’ll bring out the photos of the sausage bangs.  No?  How about the afro look from the following year.
3. The final sweeps episode of The Battlin’ MacLeans included yet another guest appearance of the Insider.  In a surprising turn of events, the MacLeans actually stopped battling to form a tag team against the Insider.  Bring it on, ladies.
4. A retainer cheque has been cut to the LEVEL (Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers) to start the inevitable legal proceedings against these two weak challenges.
5. The LEVEL was also engaged this week to provide some readers a pre-screening of selected items in an effort to prevent any future unwarranted legal actions.  This pre-screening caused the slight delay in the release of the report.
6. Additional terms added to the Cape Breton to English lexicon this week included:
   1. “Snot face” – another word for arse, but less harsh.  It has not been determined if putting it in capital letters changes the meaning or not.
   2. “Duck in” – to make an appearance at a social event.
   3. “Gawk” – to have a look around at a social event to see if it is worth staying.
   4. “Oh snap” – this one caused all sort of confusion.  According to interviews with other Cape Breton linguists, this term may be a generational term, or a heretofore undiscovered dialect of Cape Bretonese.  After extensive linguistic studies, the Insider believes that the correct response is “Bring it on, girlfriend”, or “Oh no, you di-int” – combined with a finger wag.  (Research courtesy of http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=oh+snap)
7. Kim’s outrageous claim of the week – She would go clothes shopping and buy only one outfit.
8. Trina’s purchase of a fruit muffin caused all kinds of grief and hysterics.  Recognizing this, the Insider quickly slipped out to purchase anything containing chocolate.
9. Kim demonstrated her ongoing mastery of volleyball by coming back to her first game in six month, and leaving the court with only a minor shoulder injury and pain in pretty well every muscle in her body.
10. The temporary payroll clerk in the office seemed genuinely startled by Kim’s demonstration of the nature of European women's thighs.
11. Paul’s response to Shortcake’s suggestion of attending a Friday night hospital event – “Will there be horny nurses there?”
12. The results from the personality test taken by the Sister this week:

“You are a ‘persuader’. You like to sell things or ideas. Prestige and power are important to you. You like to use your language skills to convince other people of your ideas.”

If “convince other people” means “badger them until they are forced to agree with you in order to shut you up”, then the Insider finds no surprises with the results.  (Bring it on, Sister.)

13. After missing the Friday lunch because of her hair appointment, Kim comments that she is “missing out on everything, and you people always plan things when I’m not here”.  When the Insider notes that people who just returned from a Europe vacation probably shouldn’t be commenting, she is oddly silent.
14. The Olympic judges’ awarded a combined score of 9.0 for Deborah’s full-twisting double back flip manoeuvre during lunch on Friday.  The individual score of 7.0 received from the French judge is a perceived bias to make sure that the Russians won.
15. The Insider is speechless on the e-mail that Paul received from Svetlana, his new Russian Bride e-mail order bride.
16. The Insider finds Kim’s downing of a box of Glosette’s raisins in three mouthfuls to be slightly disturbing.
17. In an effort the prove that the Insider has eyes and ears everywhere, the Insider, in his role as National Project Manager, will see that everyone in the firm updates their picture on the internal Grant Thornton website, including Rob Wadden from the Sydney office.  (Bring it on, Susan).
18. Trina’s disclosed nickname of the week – Tri (pronounced like tree).  The Insider will consider how this can be incorporated in the future.  Potential variants include Beech, Old Hickory, or Palm.  Dogwood is considered too controversial. 
19. Quiz of the week – Number of Czech beers required to get Deborah loopy (Answer – ½)
20. Kim’s provided some helpful hits to Deborah on preventing people from pulling a Single White Female on her.  However, as Kim is the most likely person to swf Deborah, the Insider remains unconvinced of her motives.
21. All conversations at Philthy McNasty’s on Friday night are deemed OTR with the exception of:
    1. The tests into Paul’s selective hearing continue, still with mixed results.
    2. The remedial lessons for Paul on babe watching needs to commence immediately.
    3. The only thing that will upset a Scotsman is when a crowd appears in front of his line of sight to the beer tub girl.
22. The cost of the free makeover taken by Shortcake and Kim on Saturday - $40 and $150 respectively.
23. Pictures taken of Shortcake and her idol, Strawberry Shortcake, will be posted to the website shortly.
24. At the restaurant on Saturday’s night, Paul’s sampling of the parmesan cheese container into his hand for a snack did not go unnoticed.
25. All of the text conversations with Kim on Saturday night are deemed OTR.  Really OTR.  Extremely OTR.  (Note to self:  Schedule the psychiatric appointments to commence this week).
26. "Celebrity" sighting of the week - Ben Mulroney.  The Insider found it slightly disturbing that Shortcake had to text her sister to inform her.
27. When Paul makes a statement that he hopes the bar starts playing better music, the entire table goes into a panic.
28. The Insider is unclear if Paul and Shortcake were serious or sarcastic when they claimed to be the discrete ones of the group.  In order to demonstrate her discreetness, Shortcake then relays a story that included the scraping of metal chairs when attempting to turn and look behind her.
29. All conversations from Saturday night after Shortcake left are deemed OTR.
30. Apparently the RCMP is concerned by how often Susan and her friends have been drunk during the past week, month, year, and in her lifetime.
31. The Insider continues to be amazed at Torontonian car owners.  As he was walking back to the truck, he passes a car that played a sound when it backed.  The head-shaking part was that it wasn’t the standard “beep beep” backing up sound, but was the song “"Good Morning to All".  Bonus points are awarded to anyone who can name the more popular name of this song.
32. Just to demonstrate that the Insider does accept contributions from regular readers:  "Heather, you need to not let your eyebrows get like that".
33. Phase 2 of the North American tour starts this week with a second stop in Vancouver, including a stop at one of Vancouver’s finest restaurants, Gotham.  http://www.guestlife.com/vancouver/dine/gotham.html.

Note that back issues are available at http://spaces.msn.com/brommer71/.  Any corrections, errors, issues, problems, beefs, bouquets, and slander notices should be sent to mailto:Brommer71@msn.com.  Please allow one to two business years for a response.

1. After a successful first leg of the Insider's North American tour, the scheduling for the second leg has already commenced.  Second tour stops include Moncton and a repeat in Vancouver.  Negotiations continue for a European or Asian leg later in the summer.
2. Directions for anywhere in downtown Vancouver shall now be given from the corner of Starbucks and Starbucks (Robson and Thurlow)
3. 4 1/2 hours in the air, plus 3 hours on the tarmac due to lightning storms at the Pearson airport, plus 3 hour time change, plus 1 hour in the airport before the flight, plus travel time at each end = 12 hour flight from Vancouver to Toronto.
4. After driving down Jameson Ave on the way to work and seeing the guy dressed in black jeans, a red lumberjack shirt and tan cowboy boots walking down the street, the Insider now understands the term "obviously a bachelor".
5. Research has determined that the estimated height required for the fencing to keep out the new office neighbours is 6 feet, not including the barbed wire at the top.  Guard dogs remain on order.
6. The Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers (aka LEVEL) may have to be engaged to eliminate the ongoing OTR discussions between Kimberly and the Sister.  Cease and desist orders will soon be issued.  Tin foil is ready for a retaliatory prank, should it be required.
7. Based on observations from Saturday night plans, old people will take naps and then stay in, while the young people will go out on the town.
8. Response to the previous point from a regular reader:  "Frig off".  As the comment was not followed by "you arse", the Insider continues to be stymied by Cape Bretonese/Nova Scotian and will continue his linguistic studies.
9. While walking to Hemmingway's on Saturday night, Paul was referred to as "Indiana Jones" by a homeless person looking for a handout.  The Insider has one response:  "The 30's called and they want their jacket back".
10. The latest book being read by Paul:  "Why Do Men Have Nipples?".  The Insider is unclear if Paul knew what the book was about before he started reading it, but the Insider will inform Paul that is probably does not contain any pictures.
11. Based on conversations disclosed to the Insider, investigations will now commence on whether or not Kim attended a live "demonstration" show while in Prague.
12. Remedial courses for Paul on "babe watching" will commence immediately.  Correct techniques do not include a 270 degree swivel of the head to follow women walking by the table.
13. Even the waitress seem amazed that the tab for the night came to exactly $40.00 with taxes.  Of course, a forensic audit still occurred in order to determine how this should be split among the group.
14. The Insider had an interesting chat with the cops at the RIDE stop located a 1/2 block down at Bloor from the Insider Headquarters at about 2:00 am after the bar.  (For those following along at home, the Insider was walking from the subway stop, and did not drive that night.)
15. While it was determined that the season finale of the Family Guy was the reason for the selection of the afternoon showing of the movie on Sunday, there was a dissension of opinion as to who initiated the timing.  Audio evidence proved inconclusive due to Paul's alleged mumbling of the words "so we" to form "she".
16. The evil laugh count during the Da Vinci Code - 7.
17. Several readers will now be experiencing a "24" withdrawal for the next 7 months.  In a related story, it is only 12 weeks until the real Monday night TV show starts back up.  (That's Monday Night Football, for those not paying attention).

Insider out.

April 26, 2006:

In recognition of Kimberly's departure to Prague tomorrow, the Insider presents an advance screening of this week's report.  For those people worried about their weekly intake, the Insider reports up front that this is a Bubbles free edition.

1.  Kimberly has now taken to singing when talking about the number of work days remaining until her trip.  Concerned citizens everyone tell her not to give up her day job.

2.  Deborah has now taken to singing "Evil Woman" by ELO in determining a theme song for Paul.  Concerned citizens everyone tell her not to give up her day job.

3.  Kim likes Cinnabons.  Although she did have the will power not to eat one of them.

4.  For anyone who read the preceding point and thought that it meant that Kim didn't eat any, the Insider has some nice oceanfront property to sell you.  The Insider just said she didn't eat one.....in fact, she ate three.

5.  The tests into Paul's selective deafness continues.  He hears nothing when Kim talks about shoe shopping, but picks up the conversation when she mentions her waxing appointment.

6.  The remedial course for Linda on the use of smileys to convey sarcasm in e-mails starts next week.

7.  It is now documented that when a person gets a few hairs cut, the marketing department will not recognize them.

8.  It has also been documented that all that is required to enter and walk around the Grant Thornton National Office is a suit and a confident attitude.  If people don't recognize you, they'll just assume you're a new person starting, or you're from one of the offices.  The Insider will now consider how best to incorporate this fact in his information gathering techniques.

9.  Chicks dig scars.  Therefore, the two scars on the back of the Insider's head are from a bar fight and a knife stabbing, and any other stories are hereby denied, whether truthful or not.

10.  Kim is cranky today, as she is getting sick right before the plane flight.  Apparently, Trina and/or Tetley are the most likely culprits of feeling the retaliation.  Trina for alleging providing the illness, and Tetley for being disruptive.

Insider out.

April 17, 2006: 

In an ongoing effort to give Trina the opportunity to live vicariously through others, the Insider presents the following from this past long weekend:

1.  "Paul, the 70's called.  They want their jacket back".

2.  In a very quick debate, it was determined that Chris should be taking Kim to the movies, instead of passing her off to either Paul or Jim.

3.  Ironically enough, George Lopez stars in the George Lopez Show.  What's the chances of that, Paul?

4.  Kim, if you want to see "Failure to Launch".... don't call us, we'll call you.

5.  After hearing Paul and Heather recount tales of broken bones, BB guns, tin can shuriken and other events from childhood in Nova Scotia, the Insider is amazed that anyone survives past the age of 15 in NS.

6.  Heather extols the virtues of the latest class she signed up for - Indian Dance Cardio.....  The Insider is unclear on which follow-up comment works best for this, and will give the options some thought.

7.  The Insider is unsure how to convey the story Heather relayed about the stalking of guys performed by her and Kim in the past.  Another beer is quickly ordered.

8.  Despite being called out by complete strangers for singing along with the radio in her car, Heather determined that the show must go on.  (It was Bon Jovi, after all).

9.  Memo to marketing personnel for distillers:  If you want to sell your brands to women, put them in "cute, little bottles".

10.  It has been scientifically proven that people parked in the Beach LCBO parking lot require, as a minimum, a nine-point turn in order to back out and leave the lot.  The Insider, of course, is the exception to the rule (stupid Toronto drivers).

11.  Kim magnanimously bestows conditional status to Fashion Consultant #5, based on the clothing recommendations made the previous weekend.

12.  Kim contacted the Insider at 8:30AM on Friday morning to determine if anyone pulled an Ellsworth the previous night, and to get the advance scoop on the Insider Report.  Kim.... don't call us, we'll call you.

13.  In a game of Dirty Scrabble, the dirtiest word used was "pole" (twice by Heather).  The Insider showed his utter dominance by winning the game.

14.  Heather does giggle every time the word "rack" is read from the Scrabble instruction sheet.

15.  Everyone was disappointed by Paul's use of the letters of "F" and "U" to form the word "fury".  Normally, another word would be formed in Dirty Scrabble, but maybe Paul doesn't quite get the concept.

16.  Paul's habit of mumbling incoherently to himself right when Linda was trying to read the Trivial Pursuit questions almost gets him permanently banned from all future events.

17.  Paul's drink of choice for the night - Kahlua, Schnapps and milk.  The Insider will pack little pink plastic umbrellas for the next get together.

18.  Given her problems with the IKEA instructions, it is obvious that Heather needs a refresher course in understanding Swedish pictures.  (Insert follow-up joke here).

19.  At the Sunday morning brunch, the concept of lazy Catholics was introduced to Paul.  He will now be evaluating his theological options.

20.  Paul's banana pancakes, stolen from the small child at the next table, turn out to be a big hit at the table.

21.  In an effort to ensure that nobody gets stuck with an unequal portion of the bill, Paul performs a forensic audit on the total, and allocates everyone's share to the penny.  He pulls out nickels and dimes to give change.  Everyone else around the table shakes their heads, and pulls out $15 each, expecting no change.

22.  Kim finally admits that she doesn't check her voice mail on her cell phone, and deletes any voice mail message longer than 2 seconds.  This blows the Insider's "Kim, don't call us.  We'll call you" strategy out of the water.

23.  The Insider can confirm that, in the shock of the weekend, the omelettes were made with real, not processed, cheese.  In a related story, the Insider was not a pleasant person to be around the following 3-4 hours.

24.  In order to satisfy the curious, the Insider acknowledges the menu for Sunday night Easter dinner.  Cajun style jumbo shrimp, with a vegetable plate and olive loaf for the appetizer; ham with roasted baby potatoes, mixed greens and beans for the main course; and chocolate fondue for desert.  Wine was a local Pinot Noir.

25.  The Insider is unsure how to work in a joke related to Deborah pulling her groin muscle on the way to church. 

Insider out.

April 10, 2006: 

Due to being stuck in a training session today, and having nothing else to do, the Insider reports the following events from the past weekend.  Note that no names have been changed to protect the innocent, because a) no one's really innocent and b) how would that be any fun.

1.      Given the choice between hot women and good music, Paul will choose good music.  The Insider shakes his head and mutters to himself.

2.      Most other conversations from the bar on Friday night are deemed OTR (Off the Record).  As per policy, the Insider can disclose at a later date after imbuing a copious amount of beverages.

3.      Heather was almost ready on time, and no one was around to see.  Story of her life.

4.      A healthy debate ensued regarding how fast one can drive while being followed by an off duty police officer.  When Chris blows by Jim on the QEW, it is determined that the limit can be raised.

5.      Chris’s lessons on how to work cruise control are scheduled to start next week.

6.      Even cops get scared when talking to border police.  “We’re going to Target!”

7.      The Insider is unclear how anyone survived in this world with text messaging.  A dead zone in the Gap caused all kinds of chaos.

8.      Chris:  “Whatever you do, don’t give Kim a piece of that gum”.

9.      (5 second later) Chris:  “Kim, do you want a piece of gum?”

10.     Despite using instant maple topping (the horror), Kim decides the dessert at Applebee’s should not be wasted.

11.     The person who said “Don’t you hate it when they don’t have jeans in my size.  I feel so ….. fat.  Now, where’s the Dunkin’ Donuts?” shall remain anonymous.

12.     “Honest officer, we didn’t meet anyone down in the States, and I have no idea why the couple in the next car is waving at us”.

13.     Total spent by Jim - more than USD$300.  Total spent by Heather – less than USD$20.  Remedial lessons on what “power shopping” actually means start next week.

14.  Apparently, Kim likes worn-in leather over bumpy leather.  The Insider is assuming she was talking about furniture, and does not wish to pursue the topic any further.

15.     It was noted that Paul wore his “big boy” shoes to the movie.

16.     Every time a death happened in the movie, an evil laugh could be heard coming from the crowd. 

Insider out.

April 3, 2006

Based on hazy recollections, the Insider reports the following:

1. “Nah, I don’t need to write down directions.”  Paul proceeds to take a nice side road tour or Eastern Etobicoke and Western Toronto after getting lost while picking up Jim.
2. Linda is 34 years old.  No?  33?  No?  35?  No?  32?  (Paul continues the foot in mouth disease trend .)
3. It is now documented that men can be fully changed and be ready for a black tie event in less than 5 minutes.  Timing for women is still unproven and untested.
4. 5 relief pitchers are too much for a standard fantasy baseball team.
5. While Linda is annoyed with having been ID’d, Heather is quite excited when she is carded.  Accept at movie theatres by a young kid who calls her “Ma’am”.
6. The virtues of Eau d’Esso is extolled on the cab ride to the Time.
7. Pre-drinking is still popular for transplanted East Coasters.  At least, that’s the presumed reason for the lack of people before 11:00.
8. The pink stilettos are awarded the Best Shoes of the Night award.
9. In the opinion of some, women with tattoos on the shoulder or upper back should not be allowed to wear strapless formal dresses.  After a lengthy debate, it is determined that the lower back or upper thigh is the ideal place for a tattoo.
10. A second lengthy debate ensues to determine if the woman dressed in orange is actually in formal attire.  It is determined to take a picture of her so that Mrs. Robinson can cast the deciding vote at a later date.
11. The term "obviously a bachelor" is never explained.
12. Paul is not involved in any of the previous conversations, being mostly consumed in shoving people at the table aside to ogle questionably hot women.
13. In a move foreshadowing Paul’s inebriation, his camera is dropped, losing the batteries in the crowd.  They are later found and recaptured by Heather on her way to the dance floor.
14. It is unclear how the glitter appeared on both of Paul’s cheeks.
15. Heather’s lengthy stay in the washroom is never full explained, despite her threat and willingness to graphically state all details.  Coincidently, Paul and Bruce go for another round of drinks before she is able to elaborate.
16. Hey, look.  Paul’s going to request a song.
17. Hey, look.  Paul just shoved the DJ.
18. For future events, an investigation has been launched for the exact song that sent Paul over the edge.  The early Vegas lines have it as “I am Woman” by Helen Ready.
19. Using the term “Frickin’ Guido” is not the best way to engage in deliberations with a DJ on the song list chosen for the night.  (Note actual term used has been replaced by the colloquialism used by East Coasters in order to avoid spam blocking software.)
20. Even while being escorted out, the bouncer still offers to give Paul free cardio lessons.  This will ensure that the “Big Guy” nickname will continue for a while.
21. It is unclear what other pending appointments the taxi driver may have after the drop off to Paul’s place.  Cries of “no tip” can be heard from the very back seat.  Jim decides to ignore Heather and tips the driver anyway.
22. Every second sentence uttered by Paul in his place is “I’m normally a very nice person”.  It becomes the catch phrase of the night.
23. The opening line in conversations from Paul the following day is “Oh, my head!”.
24. The Insider reports that three cheese manicotti and chocolate milk makes an excellent hangover meal.
    

Insider out.