October 9. 2007:

The following accounts of the Asian Leg of the Insider World Tour are the property of the Insider Inc.  Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of the pictures and accounts without the express written consent of The Insider is strictly prohibited.  Note that Mr. Paul Ellsworth, Esq., may attempt to claim partial ownership.  The LEVEL (Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers) is on retainer for the inevitable challenge.

1. Interested readers are probably surprised to hear that nothing happened on the flight to Tokyo.  No crash landings, no delays, no cancellations.  The Insider considers this an auspicious start.  Muffin is sure to be disappointed, as she finds great amusement in the travelling mishaps of the Insider.
2. First meal in Tokyo - a traditional Japanese dish.  Can anyone tell that Paul is not on this leg of the trip?
3. The Insider can confirm (albeit with a limited sample size) that a Japanese bachelorette's fridge is significantly more sparse than a Canadian bachelor's.
4. Japanese toilets are automatic, including the toilet seat and the flush.  A little disconcerting when you are just walking past it to use the shower.
5. "If you want to go to sleep, just push the monkey off the bed" is not a phrase expected to be heard on the first night in Tokyo.
6. For some reason, the Tokyo guide displays a Japan national flag as his totem, ensuring that he won't stand out from the crowd.
7. While the drink box with strawberries on it may appear to look tasty, the Insider discovers half way through the box that strawberry milk may not have been the best choice as a beverage for someone with an allergy to milk.
8. Amount spent by the Insider at the Japanese market - nil.  Amount spent by someone who has been living in Tokyo for almost 3 years - more than nil.  Amount of packaging carried around by the Insider for the rest of the day - more than nil.  (The Insider is probably not the target audience for plastic trinkets or giant plush sumos.)
9. In addition to plush sumos, some people are also amused by monkeys in Hawaiian shirts.
10. Correction - plastic food is more fascinating than monkeys in Hawaiian shirts.
11. After taking samurai lessons, the Insider is considered a natural at the katana and shuriken.
12. The Japanese baseball games provided some interesting in-game rituals, including twirling of green plastic umbrellas after every home run.
13. The Japanese salespeople love their megaphones.  A walk down Electric Avenue proves that salespeople within 5 feet of each other will each shout at the top of their lungs to get your attention.
14. First meal in China - KFC.  Can anyone guess if Paul is now on the trip?
15. In a related story, the Insider asks Paul how many times he has eaten at the McDonalds next door.  The answer - not nil.
16. Paul ignores warning stories from the travel books on China and proceeds to have a $40 tea with the two nice "English teachers".
17. The Insider becomes confounded by the old style tin cans in the Beijing mini bar and manages to slice his thumb open while opening a Pepsi.  Hey Trina, if the cut turns a green color and is full of puss, is that a bad thing?
18. The cribbage game continues with predictable results.  The Insider concedes some games to Paul in order to keep up the suspense of the game.  Don't be fooled by Paul's claims otherwise.
19. The Insider is convinced that the two main rules of driving in Beijing is to lay on the horn and use the brakes as much as possible.  (This may be similar to the Cape Breton school of driving except for the brakes part.)
20. The U-turn and subsequent drive down the wrong side of the highway on the way to the Great Wall is eerily reminiscent of the infamous 2001 U-turn on the Jersey Turnpike.
21. The Insider does a quick cost benefit analysis and determines that the view from 2/3's up the Great Wall will be the same as the view from the top.  In his stubbornness, Paul climbs to the top.  Anyone want to guess whose legs were sore the next two days?
22. The corner store near the hotel in Beijing proves extremely economical with the cost for 4 beers (king cans), 4 bags of chips and 2 colas being the equivalent of $6.50.
23. With all the stuff made in China, one would think they would make more bottle openers.  Housekeeping is called on 2 separate occasions in 2 different cities in order to open the non twist-off bottles of beer.
24. It appears that the Insider's luck with electrical equipment continues - camera lost twice (once in Tokyo and once on the plane from Beijing to Xian) and it is recovered both times.
25. The day in Xian - a car almost runs over some people in the tour group on the way to the bus (which is parked a mere 10 feet from the hotel exit), a cyclist rear ends the bus (causing a delay and a heated debate between the driver, the cyclist, and the cyclist's grandmother), the Terra-Cotta Warriors are visited, and a near riot is witnessed (including a garbage can slammed on one person and somebody else stabbed).  Other than that, nothing to see.
26. Paul's idea of a way to kill time - reading the brochure from the travel clinic in Toronto about the communicable diseases he can catch.
27. Paul's contributions in writing the Insider's postcards are hereby OTR and quickly discarded by the Insider.
28. The vendors in Xian prove to be more aggressive than those in Beijing with the Insider almost being beat up by an elderly Chinese women.  The corner store, however, proves as economical as Beijing.
29. All kinds of security alarms are set off at the Xian airport.  The cause - the cribbage board in the Insider's checked luggage.  The Chinese ban on gambling may be a bit too strict.
30. The first travelling debacle of the Asian leg of the World Tour happens on the flight from Xian to Wuhan.  The Insider's linguistic skills in Chinese to English has the issue identified as "mechanical difficulties".
31. In a related story, Chinese to English is much easier than Cape Bretonese to English.
32. Quote heard four days after the Great Wall "it only took 4 days and my legs are feeling back to normal."
33. The first 2 hours of the bus trip from Wuhan to Three Gorges is a little long.  After the Insider found beer at the rest stop, the second 2 hours goes much quicker.  Kudos go to Paul for finding the cold ones in the fridge at the back.
34. Apparently one of the other tenets of the Chinese driving academy is to teach all professional drivers to drive right down the middle of 2 lane highways.  Lanes are for wimps.  It is unclear at the time of publication if this will be added to Cape Breton curriculum.
35. The breakfast on day 8 in the Three Gorges hotel is......challenging.
36. The Insider is unconvinced of the security procedures at the Three Gorges dam.  Why make people get off the bus (while leaving all the luggage on the bus) to go through a metal detector to get back on the same bus?
37. The shower on the boat is ....challenging.
38. The Insider is confounded by the eight point turn performed by the second boat in an attempt to move upstream towards the Lesser Three Gorges excursion.
39. Paul finds his first instance of Chinese porn with the postcards of the naked boat trackers.  He is disappointed to find out that they are all males, and subsequently relieved to find out that they now wear clothes when pulling the boats.
40. Paul now understands why there is a Happy Buddha.  Should anyone receive one as a gift from Paul, flip it over and check the bottom.  (Alternatively, interested readers can arrange for a private viewing of the one sitting in the Insider's office.)
41. While the Insider appreciates the 30 RMB Crown Royal on sale at the boat's bar, he is not sure that the 20 RMB mix is worth it.
42. In a related story, any guess as two which two Canadians close down the bar every night on the boat?  Note that this is not difficult given that the bar shuts down at 10:30 PM.
43. In a second related story, any guesses as to who the best customers of the bar are?  The paying of the bill in cash proves to be slightly disconcerting. 
44. The Insider suspects that sleeping on concrete would be softer than some of the Chinese beds.
45. When given of choice of crossing over the Bridge of Wealth or the Bridge of Health in Fengdu, guess which one the Insider chose?
46. Day 8 of watermelon for dessert proves.....challenging.
47. Note to Paul - when discussing good looking Chinese women, "the one with the long dark hair" is not really that helpful.
48. Quote of the trip - "At least I didn't swallow" - Paul Ellsworth.  The context is in a discussion about using tap water to brush his teeth, but readers are encouraged to make up their own back story.
49. The Insider becomes a temporary member of the Hong Kong YMCA.
50. The dinner at Pizza Hut in Hong Kong is......fabulous.  Nothing like good old fashioned North American style grease.
51. It is unclear at the time of publication if the Hong Kong guide breathes at all during her lectures.
52. No shopping to be found in Hong Kong.  Nope, none.  Certainly no discount outlets that Elder Battlin' MacLean would be jealous of.  Nope, none.
53. The Insider goes all the way to Hong Kong and all he gets is shampoo.  Muffin better appreciate the extra effort made to acquire her out-of-production-in-North-America brand.
54. Day 12 of watermelon for dessert proves ....challenging.
55. Paul officially hits the wall after assessing his mandatory attendance to the herbal museum.
56. The forensic audit continues, except this time in 5 different currencies (CDN, USD, Yen, RMB, HKD).
57. The Insider hits the wall during the tour of the gardens in Shaghai.  While the grounds may have been lovely to look at, the guide started to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher at that point in the tour.
58. Note to travellers: it helps if you don't pack your wallet and boarding pass in your check-in luggage after being forced to open it again for the highly suspicious crib board.
59. The China mail system proves to be somewhat inefficient as the Insider discovers that the postcards mailed 4 days into the trip have not yet arrived at the time of publication.  This is understandable, as given the reputation of the Insider, it is probably taking a huge amount of resources at the Chinese censorship board to try to figure out the double meanings, hidden agendas and codes used by the Insider in all writings.
60. The effects of jet lag include only getting 3 hours of sleep for each of the first 3 days back.  The counter-cure....Starbucks.  As some readers know that the Insider doesn't normally drink coffee, so the effects of the caffeine can well be imagined.
61. Sample pictures and movies are available on the Insider's Facebook page.  The full set of pictures can be viewed on the official website of the Insider - http://brommer71.spaces.live.com/

Insider out.

1. Feedback from last week's edition - "Re: Point #2  Let's be fair....when was the last time Paul had a single screw?" - Kimberly Robinson.
2. In a somewhat related story, Kimberly sends a link to an article on the "office boob" and indicates that Paul will disagree with all the points mentioned in the article.  An interesting start to the week.
3. The new urban phenomenon of women "forgetting" their wallets for lunch continues, as the Insider picks up yet another lunch tab.
4. Memo to all cops - if the City of Toronto is really that short of revenue, bust cyclists who ride the wrong way down one way streets, or drive straight through red lights.
5. The Insider finds it highly interesting that the Urban Challenge for the National Office was won by the team with two members of the Social Committee on it, including the primary organizer.  (National Office Team Captain is sure to vehemently deny any allegations...).  At least Muffin knew enough to not have her team finish in the top 3.
6. In a follow-up story, only a few people are found to be limping or call in "sick" the day after the National Office Urban Jungle day.
7. Just because there's not enough Idol competitions in the world, the Outcast decides to enter Toby in the Winnipeg Canine Idol.
8. The slight dip on the TSX has some people quickly performing a forensic audit on their paper losses.
9. Quote of the week - "I'll have to call you back" - Kimberly Robinson.  (I'll let Trina guess what the Insider's follow-up comment should be).
10. The way that some people recover from being nauseous and tired all day (which includes a debate on going home early) - go to the Dragon Boat team practice (which includes sitting in stale, smelly water for almost an hour), followed by a trek halfway across the city to play basketball.  The Insider continues to be dumbfounded by female Edmontonian logic.
11. The first request for a souvenir from the Asian leg of the World Tour - shampoo.  The Insider continues to be dumbfounded by female Armenian logic. (or is that Albanian?)
12. If you want to lose the basketball playoffs, it best to have your 6' 10" starting centre break his foot the night before the game.  The Insider continues to be dumbfounded by female Edmontonian logic.
13. The Outcast starts leaving cryptic Facebook messages for Paul - something about mangos, and then something about bed time.  The Insider continues to be dumbfounded by female Toban logic (or is the Saskatchewanian logic)?  Note to the Outcast - stating cryptic messages with double meanings that nobody understands should only be performed by professionals.
14. The Insider dreads the reaction when the Outcast finds out that the Insider apparently knows the VP - Finance for the Walt Disney Studios in Burbank, California.
15. It should quickly be determined if anyone notices the latest Un-Extreme Makeover, as the Insider goes back to being diabolical.

August 13, 2007:

1. Edmontonians express concern about the Insider's knowledge of current events.  Note that the Insider tag is well deserved, with informants all over the world.
2. Paul's talents with tools is severely challenged when he has trouble screwing on his name plate for the new office…with a single screw….
3. Note to some people who seem to want to stare into Paul's office while the door is closed - yes, he has moved, and that's not Paul that you're staring at.
4. According to Kimberly, Paul needs remedial help on the concept of value of money.  If you go to a movie, and a medium popcorn is not enough for two people, spend the extra dollar to get the large.
5. In a follow-up story, Paul claims that he didn't go for the large, as he didn't want to break a twenty.  Kimberly seems generally perturbed that Paul has not only put a price on her friendship, but that it's priced at just slightly more than $10.  Paul's response - "Nobody's worth breaking a twenty for".
6. Quote of the week - "There's something different about you.  What is it?" - various people.
7. In a follow-up story, the next time any women comments about a man not noticing about a new dress, new haircut, etc, the Insider will casually remind them about not noticing when a man removes all facial hair.
8. Native Edmontonian seems concerned that sports clubs are taking up too much of her time.  The Insider provides a quick solution - rebreak a knee.  (Note that this may not be the most painless solution).
9. Kimberly invites the Insider for lunch, and then "conveniently" mentions that she forgot her wallet at home.  Sigh….
10. Baby Battlin' MacLean is now a home owner.  Welcome to debt, kid.  You'll learn to love it like the rest of us (except Paul).
11. Is Muffin trying to start something?  Sigh…..Sometimes women never learn.
12. The Insider engages the LEVEL (Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers) to issue cease and desist papers related to the use of unauthorized team nicknames by CNNSI reporters.
13. The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach.  (At least with Trina, as she debates on the merits of going for a sandwich at the St. Lawrence Market.)  Her follow-up response - "Jewellery works too!"
14. Haligonians express jealousy at Paul for showing up in the homeland drinking a beer on the patio at lunch, while they have to head back to the office.
15. In a follow-up story, the Insider receives an e-mail with the subject line of "He's next door to me now.......".  The Insider considers this huge money making potential for the next Hollywood big-budget horror movie.
16. Running out of propane in the middle of barbequing filet mignon might prove to be troubling for some people, but the Insider proves his resourcefulness once again.

Insider out.

1. The Insider gets threatened with e-mails regarding Collection Agency efforts.  Given the Insider's ongoing association with the Guido & the Boys Collection Agency, the Insider scoffs at any such amateurish threats.
2. The Insider threatens bodily harm to Kimberly for disturbing the ongoing results of the China forensic audit.
3. The Insider finds it scandalous that assistant GMs don't want to work around fantasy football schedules.  Is giving birth really that important?
4. The annual CNNSI rankings places the Brom Bombers in their traditional spot.  What else is new?
5. For someone who took months to accomplish Phase 1 of the China trip, Paul seems awful anxious to get through Phases 2 through 8.
6. Did Kimberly finally find someone to accompany her to see a junky romantic comedy type movie?  Paul, you're better than that.
7. The Insider threatens to play Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" non-stop, much to the chagrin of some people.
8. Quote of the week - "What, were you born in a barn?"  - The Insider.  It has so many uses....
9. Alternate quote of the week - "I got taken out by a dog."  The Insider is not sure that Trina's new training methods for her half-marathon run is the most effective.
10. Note that Paul is probably reading the last point, and thinking that the phrase would have a completely different meaning for him.
11. Native Edmontonian is concerned that, after being gone one year from the homeland, some family members have started drinking cosmopolitans (or some other girlie drink with an umbrella in it).  Photographic evidence is presented to the Insider.
12. Apparently, Paul is better than that.  After talking Kimberly into seeing The Simpson Movie (a non-girlie pic), he proceeds to eat all the popcorn, and falls asleep half-way through the movie.  Nice!  The Insider would be willing to gamble that he won't get asked to attend any girlie movies anytime soon.
13. It will soon be determined if the latest Extreme Makeover of the Insider will be as remarked upon as the last one.

Insider out.

July 30, 2007:

Yea, so the heavens relented and the darkness has lifted from across the land.

1. Native Edmontonian finds a voice mail left over the weekend amusing.  The Insider just considers it toilet humour.
2. Apparently, the Insider has crazy sneaking abilities.
3. The newest best seller by the Insider - "How to Drive the Outcast Nuts - Don't Tell Her Anything"  This is a follow-up to previous best sellers - "How to Drive Kimberly Nuts - Don't Tell Her Anything" and "How to Drive Elder Battlin' MacLean Nuts - Don't Tell Her Anything".  The Insider senses some kind of trend....
4. For some reason, We Will Rock You does not include any songs by Supertramp.
5. When going to the Titanic exhibit at the Ontario Science Centre, every visitor is assigned (at random) the name of a passenger.  Last name of the passenger assigned to the Insider - Rouse.....
6. The Outcast is totally stunned that i) a man can actually plan a dinner, and ii) the Insider can keep details from her.
7. The easiest way to deal with your dog while away from town - get him high on mushrooms and send him to rehab.
8. Most of the dinner involves the relaying of embarrassing stories about Paul.  The Insider gracefully slips into the background.
9. The lack of a forensic audit on Friday proves as successful as if a forensic audit took place.
10. The only thing planned by the Outcast and Kimberly this past weekend - the trip across the border to shop at Target.  Directions given to the Insider - "Just drive across the border, and we'll meet you at Target".
11. In a related story, the shopping at the first Target store is almost identical to the shopping at the second Target store.  Sigh....
12. In a second related story, the Insider vows to always get proper directions for all future trips.  Who knew that there was more than one Target (besides the Insider)?
13. Heather, want a piece of the gum picked up by the Insider on the States trip?
14. Dollar value of purchases by the Insider - double that of the Outcast.  Time spent to achieve such purchases - about half.  The Insider remains suspicious about any woman claiming she can "power shop".  (See IR Vol#1 Iss#2 Point#13 for more evidence.)
15. The forensic audit of the travel plans for the tour to China is taking about as long as expected.

July 23, 2007:

Shudder and tremble in fear.  Darkness will soon spread across the land...

1. Feedback from the previous week  - "I want to bite you" - Kimberly Robinson.  The Insider still has no idea what this means, and much further research is required.
2. The Insider throws out the leftover noodles prepared the previous Saturday night.  National Office Team Captain is sure to be nodding in agreement while reading this.
3. Kimberly's husband makes the front page of the Toronto Sun.  Cops not eating doughnuts is newsworthy, one supposes.
4. The number one question Paul has for travel agencies while performing the initial forensic audit on China trips - "Does the room have 2 beds – very important".
5. The Outcast discovers that the writing on a blog can be perceived as negative when the writing in done while in a bad mood.
6. Overheard in the lunch room - "Paul, you sound like a woman" - Deborah Rodrigo.  The Insider is confident that this is a compliment?
7. If a doctor asks Paul if his sleep apnea is witnessed, the answer is yes.
8. Quote of the week - "That night, I was playing for the other team." - Paul Ellsworth.  While this had something to do with playing volleyball, Buckley only hears this one statement from her spot near the barbeque on the porch.
9. The Insider was forced to give three "No, we are not going to Tim Hortons on a Sunday morning at 6:00 AM" type stares during the events of Tuesday night.
10. Kimberly makes empty treats about an image consultant to Paul.  People are lazy…  (Note the Insider will even ignore the typos due to Kimberly getting excited and sending it too quickly).
11. "There are a lot of children here!" - The Brother-in-Law.  Note that this probably explained by the fact that he was in Euro Disney at the time.
12. No, Kimberly.  The Insider will not go to see License to Wed.  Isn't that your husband's job?  (And doesn't this sound like a recurring theme?)
13. One awkward conversation forced the entire group to quickly move to the upstairs section at Remy's on Saturday night.
14. A partial itinerary is disclosed to the Outcast for her upcoming stay.  Note to any readers who may be aware of more details - do not release anything to the Outcast, even if she makes any outlandish claims of being fully aware of details.  She is just trying to trick you.  It's a Bromilow trait.

Insider out.

1. Feedback from the previous issue - "Ughhhh" - Kimberly Robinson. It is unclear at the time of publication which of the point(s) caused this reaction.
2. In spite of the investigative journalism, the Insider was unable to determine what Kimberly was talking about when she said to ask Deborah about "the new look for Paul". Investigations will continue.
3. Paul spends most of the week trying to come up with quick plans for Saturday night - anything to avoid camping.
4. "Guess what?" A very dangerous question for any female to ask any male out of the blue. The Insider, of course, refuses to fall for such an obvious trap.
5. In related news, the first person to be told about National Office Team Captain's engagement (not including her family) - the construction worker at the site between her condo and the office.
6. The Insider continues to believe that Kimberly invites friends with children to stay with her just as a way to have an excuse to attend all the child-like fun activities.
7. "Holy crap. Is that an elephant in the underground parkade?" - Phone call received from Paul Ellsworth. The answer - yes, the circus is in town.
8. The camping trip, despite the best organizing efforts of Elder Battlin' MacLean, did not materialize. Paul may have done a jig of happiness in his office.
9. The results of the Friday night poker game - the Insider advances to the final table, but finishes in 6th place, due to lack of anything resembling a playable hand at the final table.
10. The over/under established by the Insider on Andrew showing up at the bar on Saturday night- 10:20. After speaking to Andrew at 10:00 after he debarked from the subway, Paul firmly believes that there is no way Andrew would be later than 10:10, and confidently takes the under.
11. Note that actual time Andrew makes an appearance is 10:30, after Paul cons the waitress into getting Andrew through the lineup. A quick discussion on incompetency vs. stupidity ensues.
12. Quote of the week - "We are not moving from this table" - The Insider. (Yes, the Insider.)
13. Memo to self - Never involve a MacLean in a counter-conspiracy. They will do nothing except frig it all up.
14. In related news, the Outcast remains mostly unaware of the planned itinerary for the upcoming visit to Toronto. "I will need a clothing itinerary hopefully provided by Kim and not you." (Note that this may have been after the Insider told her that she may need to pack a wet suit and a snorkel).
15. The Outcast has also set up a competing blog related to her European Tour. The Insider notes that while she is addressing her audience in the points style, she has not adopted a nickname, and is not addressing herself in the third person. Will this finally be the competing "Retort to the Report" that has been discussed for some time? People are lazy....
16. Thanks to some food poisoning, the Insider was not a pleasant person to be around this weekend. Potential lawsuits are being investigated.
17. The Insider is unsure what a Zombie Request is, but anything coming from Kimberly requires investigation.

Insider out.

1. Quote of the week - "I am so acting like a girl" - Native Edmontonian. For the following along at home, these equates to not being clear. (Please send all e-mails of complaint direct to her).
2. When Native Edmontonian is told in advance of the preceding point, the response - "me not scared". (Note: quote has not been edited). Apparently, the education system is a little lacking in Alberta.
3. The first reaction to the Irish tour is in. A certain Haligonian is disgusted with Paul for his lack of sampling of the native culture.
4. For several days after the tour, Kimberly happily continues to send texts to the Insider not realizing that the Insider has is already home.
5. Muffin proclaims that she laughed hysterically upon hearing about the almost plane crash that started the Irish tour. "At least I made sure you guys were safe before laughing".
6. The Insider is fairly confident that he does not need to physically present at the after-volleyball beverages is order to hear about all the conversations. No worries, Paul. The Insider will get even someway, somehow.
7. Apparently even seeing an Oiler Legend like Kevin Lowe is not enough to warrant a stop for a picture. Is the Mighty Leaf Nation about to have another convert? The Insider is certain that people in Edmonton will soon be in contact for psychiatric consulting and/or an intervention.
8. The Insider discloses the fact that he allegedly may not telling the truth when the single dimple on the left check is showing. Or is this another ploy by the Insider??? Only time will tell....
9. Haligonian navigation skills continue to be proven as less than ideal. This time, Vancouverites are not amused.
10. The less said about the "plane ride" back from Providence the better. The Insider may soon be entering therapy.
11. Le Tigra displays the spirit of a true Jays fan by leaving the game after they got down two runs in the top of the 10th. Too bad they came back in the bottom of the 10th, prompting a phone call on his cell from dedicated fans.
12. Paul's attempt at finishing off the nachos at the Fox & the Fiddle involve scooping the sour cream direct from the container. The Insider flashes back to similar incidents involving Parmesan cheese. Upon being spotted by the Insider, Paul's response - "You didn't see anything!"
13. Paul spends most of the night on the patio at Scotland Yard trying to find a way to look around (over? under?) the potted flowers placed at exactly the incorrect height.
14. The Insider's trip to Halifax is cancelled at the last minute. The Insider is uncertain another flight could have been handled anyway.
15. In order to entice National Office Team Captain to attend a meeting on the 14th floor, the Insider uses the age old tactic of providing food. Anyone else aware that "Cinnabuns" cause all kinds of errors on Word's spell checker?
16. An ongoing obsession with bugs is now apparent.
17. The crowd that attended Pirates 3 provides some amusement to the Insider, considering the 6 year-old sitting two seats down (to a PG-13 movie that ended at midnight), and the couple sitting in the row right in front of the Insider (who considered Pirates 3 a good make-out movie).
18. Countdown to the Outcast being in Toronto is 3 weeks. You've been warned.... Diabolical plots with Kimberly may be afoot. The Insider remains unconcerned.
19. It is now assumed that a certain someone will spend most of her week rearranging furniture.

1. Book a 6:45 PM return flight from Providence, Rhode Island to Toronto for what should be a 90 minute flight (albeit in the smallest airplane that the Insider has ever flown in, and that includes lots of flights up to Nunavut).
2. Check into the airport 90 minutes ahead, only to find out that the flight is delayed by 2 hours.
3. Hit the bar for a beverage and something to eat.  While checking the net on the laptop, find out that the actual delay is 3 hours.
4. Go though security after 2 hours with everyone checking the boarding pass details.
5. Get to the gate to find out that the flight has been cancelled.  Apparently, there was some sort of announcement, but it hasn't heard by pretty much everyone, including the security staff mentioned in the preceding point checking all the boarding passes.
6. Make sure that there's no attendant at the gate to help people reschedule their tickets.
7. Make sure that there's no attendant at the check-in desk to help people reschedule their tickets.
8. Ensure that it takes at least 30 minutes to get through to someone at the 1-800 number for Air Canada reservations.
9. Determine that the next available flight is 12 hours later at 9:00 AM, but that this flight is already oversold.
10. Determine that the next available flight with empty seats is 24 hours later.
11. Have the Air Canada operator inform you that there are flights out of Boston (about an hour's drive), but that you won't be able to make it in time.  (Note that this is due to not being informed of the cancellation while sitting in the bar).
12. Book the next available flight out of Boston (6:45 AM).
13. Rent a car to drive to Boston.
14. Investigate the option of just driving to Toronto, but be told that rental car companies won't allow one-way trips over the border.
15. Drive to Boston, trying to find the airport using a rental car map, hoping that there are clear road signs on the highway.  (Note that while this would be difficult for a certain Haligonian, the Insider finds the airport without any directional challenges.)
16. Get to the Air Canada desk to find out that the last flight out to Boston was just missed, as it was late leaving.  (Just not that late so that you could actually catch it.  See point 11).
17. Have the Air Canada agent tell you that the 6:45 AM flight has actually already been cancelled and get rebooked on the 10:45 AM flight.  (Note that the 9:15 AM flight is oversold with no empty seats).
18. Take a cab to the hotel right by the airport, only to find out that the hotel is completely booked.  Have the hotel staff be extra helpful and tell you that every hotel in the area is also completely booked, due to all the flight cancellations that night, but she does find a hotel about 30 minutes away by cab.
19. While booking a reservation using the cell phone on the way to the hotel, be sure to have the agent remind you of the deadline for cancelling the room reservation, which was actually 6 hours prior to when you're actually on the phone making the reservation.
20. Get to the hotel around midnight, and then try to fall asleep.  Note that you have a splitting headache all day, which is attributed to the "24 hour flu" from the double rye and gingers consumed the night before while chatting up the cute waitress at the brewery.  (The beverage consumed in step 3 may have been a "hair of the dog" variety).  Toss and turn for a good 3 hours.
21. Make sure that you pay an exorbitant amount for a breakfast, as you didn't get a chance to eat anything for supper the previous night.  ($4 glass of orange juice, anyone?)
22. Show up to the airport a good 2 hours in advance, on the advice of the airport staff the previous night who indicated that it would be "crazy the next day so arrive early".
23. Get the boarding pass in under 3 minutes as there's no one line-up of any kind.
24. Make sure that the boarding pass gets marked with a "S S S S" which indicates that security should pull you out of the line-up and perform advanced checks, including a pat down, and a complete search of all carry-on baggage.
25. Spend 90 minutes in the waiting area lounge, spending most of the time on the phone rearranging appointments that were scheduled for that morning.
26. After take-off, have the captain come on with three separate announcements related to the turbulence of the flight.

The Insider is looking forward to the plane ride to Halifax next week.......

Insider out.

1. Native Edmontonian attempts a new method of dealing with being tired - getting too much sleep. The results - "I don't even make sense too myself right now." The Insider debates inserting some comment asking if she ever makes sense, but that is deemed too controversial, and so will be left unsaid. (Sort of..)
2. Le Tigra demonstrates his construction ability by playing the role of Vanna. This consists of pointing from the couch, while others do the work. Maybe a new nickname in the works?
3. Muffin requests further taping of the crappy teeny-bopper show. This is apparently the result of the inability to install the cables connecting the PVR box to the VCR (even through the Insider provided the cables to begin with). Sigh....
4. Muffin starts unintentionally quoting from old 60's song, leaving others in the office humming the tune in their heads for the rest of the afternoon.
5. Deborah displays her ability as a fashion model. Unfortunately, she doesn't leave on the full "80's rocker chick" makeup before coming into the office.
6. Quote of the week - "Do not disturb - working with numbers." - Native Edmontonian. Even junior accountants can get excited about boring things.
7. National Office Team Captain seems overly excited about getting reports on how people spent their time on Newfoundland audits during the last 4 years. Remember, it's accountants that get excited about boring things.
8. Extreme forensic audits have now been completed for all travel arrangements, including planes, trains & automobiles. If anyone ever complains about the forensic audit on a restaurant bill, the Insider has some stories to tell.
9. In a follow-up story - "I am offended" - Paul Ellsworth. Not true. He is cheap.
10. The phone call from the so-called Cougar Bar is almost unintelligible. Good thing the Insider is invited to see "Evil Dead - the Musical" instead.
11. The Buckley Housewarming Extravaganza goes off in spectacular fashion until the end of the night when a now-legendary Ellsworth happens. Foot in mouth disease continues.
12. Don't worry, Elder Battlin' MacLean. Despite getting details from multiple sources, the incident with your car's mirror will go unreported.

Insider out.

1. When the Insider comments that every actor in Spider-Man 3 seems to end up crying, Native Edmontonian indicates that she feel that Paul would cry at chick flicks.  The Insider disagrees.  There will be occasional evil laugh uttered at inappropriate spots, but there would probably not be crying.
2. Native Edmontonian expresses some consternation that the Cookie nickname is taken away.  The Insider remains indifferent.
3. Quote of the week - "I deal with kids the same way I deal with dogs". - Kimberly Robinson.  Hopefully, Kim realizes that timeout for kids doesn't mean putting them in a cage.
4. The Vegas odd makers will have to be talked to.  The correct over/under from last week should not have been on the amount of phone calls home.  It should have been on the amount of martinis consumed by Trina that would limit the calls to 1.
5. While watching the Insider compose an e-mail comprised of an exclamation point to get his meaning across (yes, it was to Kimberly), Native Edmontonian tries to provide some helpful advise - "Girls don't understand that.  We are very simple".  Note to any females reading this:  Please provide all commentary arising from this quote direct to Native Edmontonian.  (But CC the Insider for his amusement).
6. Guido and The Boys Collection Agency may soon be called in to deal with the IOU in the 14th floor beverage fund.  They’ve had some success in the past in dealing with deadbeats, but may be encouraged to not go for the knees.
7. Armenian, Albanian.  Tomayto, Tomahto.
8. Native Edmontonian tries to get out of her IT/tax services debt by providing technical assistance to the Insider.  As the Insider had to troubleshoot her troubleshooting assistance to find the real solution, the attempt becomes null and void.
9. Trina finds out that the grass may not be greener on the other side.
10. Native Edmontonian makes the stunning claim of being a junior accountant.  Just because you key in a few numbers doesn't make you 1/3 of the way to a CA degree.  Especially when the underlying numbers being keyed in are based on reports designed by the Insider.
11. Muffin makes a stunning claim that her favourite TV show is some sort of hard hitting type drama.  When the Insider casually reminders her that he knows the reason why she signed up for enhanced cable, she grimaces and admits her love for one of those crappy teeny-bopper shows.  In fact, she is so in love that the Insider gets a panic e-mail to tape it when she forgets to set a tape herself.
12. In a related story, the reason given for missing the show?  Muffin wants to do face plants in the sun.  (Some call it playing volleyball).
13. The fame and skills of the Insider are becoming more well known, as he gets contacted about participating in a marketing session involving branding for the Institute.
14. Paul makes a guest appearance to the fabulous Haligonian Institution that is Tom's.
15. The ongoing issues with Google Talk will now be blamed on National Office Team Captain.
16. Same day delivery from IKEA costs less than next day delivery.  Who knew?
17. For anyone who has ever experienced the forensic audit on a restaurant bill, the forensic audit on the arrangements for trans-Atlantic flights is much worse.  Trust the Insider.
18. The Outcast attempts to make devious plans with Kimberly on her first trip to TO in the summer.  This may involve some sort of nefarious cross-border scheme.  The Insider will remain expressly silent about the comments being thrown around.  Really silent....

Insider out.

1. An early response to last week's Report has Paul threatening the Insider that he "was going to 'reply everyone' and say…you mean you don’t always have a curmudgeon-like attitude….but I decided to be nice since the Insider could strike back". At least someone is thinking before speaking out. The Outcast should take notes.
2. The Cookie nickname looks to have caught on based on the Google Talk photo adopted by Native Edmontonian. As the Insider is a trend setter not a trend follower, the Cookie nickname will now be dropped and the original nickname is now back in full effect.
3. In keeping with the theme of food-based nicknames, Bobblehead has requested a change to "Doughnut". Response from Native Edmontonian - "Little does he know that Cookie = stripper. therefore doughnut = ???? (pimp )".
4. In reviewing the pictures from the first annual Some-sort of Crazy-a$$ed Albertan Type Salute (SCATS), Bobblehead's actual new nickname will be "Le Tigre", based on the attempted Zoolander poses.
5. The Insider needs to consider bumping his rates for last minute April 30th tax questions.
6. When a window cleaner shows up outside of the 14th floor, Native Edmontonian make a suggestion that the Insider should flash him to get his attention. The Insider will now commence investigations into the deviant nature of Albertan window washers.
7. The continuous requests to her new IT department has Trina questioning the mysteries of life - "I am a little weird".
8. IT difficulties continue with ABAS-Type person also having technical difficulties. After picking up the phone receiver, pressing the head set button, pressing the mute button, dialling * to get an outside line, holding the phone with just one ear while struggling to get the headset, and then performing some sort of voodoo type chant, she ends up hanging up on Insider.
9. Native Edmontonian's response to all of life's stuff - blame Marshall. "That's how us girls work".
10. This week`s episode of the Battlin MacLean has Baby watches home movies of herself. She claims to just fast forward through any "boring parts" (that would be anything with EBM in it).
11. "That's annoying". - Paul Ellsworth. Interesting way to start a phone conversation. Most people go with "hello".
12. The Insider briefly considers moving back to the homeland when he receives his MPIC insurance rebate cheque. Stupid Ontario drivers.
13. The copy of Paul`s signature and credit card number needed for official documentation now resides in a safe place. In a totally unrelated story, the Insider has no idea how all the new merchandise ended up in his place. Nope, none.
14. Apparently booking a trip to China is more difficult than the Insider expected. The second leg of the European Tour was booked instead, with stops in Ireland (and maybe London).
15. Quote of the week - "I wouldn't trust us MacLean's with anything." - Baby Battlin` MacLean, commenting on Elder Battlin` MacLean`s ongoing computer virus issues, after a potential further malfunction to the loaner workstation.
16. When some random Futureshop sales person tries to tell the Insider that he doesn't know that much about computers, the Insider briefly smiles to himself, before launching into a small discussion with the wannabe tech guy.
17. Kimberly spends most of the weekend babysitting small children. Not to worry, Trina. Your children probably won`t end up too scarred for life. The Insider places the over under on the number of phone call placed by Trina to check up on the kids at 5.
18. The Insider will need to review the settings for Facebook when he received an automatic text on the cell phone at some ungodly hour when someone who shall remain nameless adds him to her friends list.
19. After needing some additional parts (a splitter and some coaxial cable), and some reconfiguration on the wireless router and cable setup, the Insider`s new multimedia studio is now fully operational. Note that this still required less effort than dealing with EBM`s virus issue.
20. Apparently the surest way for a major league baseball pitcher to become injured is to be drafted by the Broma Bulls fantasy baseball team.

Insider out.

April 30, 2007:

Good times….Good times….

1. The early feedback from last week's report - "I really need to learn to lay low and keep my mouth shut." - Cookie.  Let's see how well this plan works (especially because the new nickname will continue to be in use for at least more week).  At least the spell checker won't keep getting stuck on "Edmontonian".
2. The Outcast has determined an interesting way to try to get even with the Insider - stay at his place when she comes in during the summer.
3. The Outcast expresses concern about the vacation time of accountants in public practice - "What kind of accountant goes on holidays now?!?!?".  Note to the Outcast - most people bring in their personal tax returns more than 1 week in advance of the deadline….
4. Two comments from two different conversations - "Stop being so accommodating.  I can’t make any kind of decision."  and "Stop being so nice.  You're going to make me cry".  The Insider will now re-think his approach, and may adopt a more curmudgeon-like attitude in the future.
5. One reason for making the semi-annual CN tower climb - "There's a lot of cute EMT's if you get stuck halfway up." - Cookie.
6. "No, I won't help you with your crossword." - Memo to self:  Bump up tax consulting fees.
7. When the Insider sends off some pictures of the birth of a friend's daughter, the response from Trina - "Ohhhh, I love other peoples babies!".
8. Paul's nickname for the week - Red Lobster. (The Insider brazenly breaks the rule of having Paul's nicknames only being assigned by Baby Battlin' MacLean).
9. Listing to country music is the solution to a pity party?  The Insider would rather crank Guns N' Roses.
10. In describing the motion made to start the game of Rock, Paper & Scissors done to kill time before the CN Tower climb, Cookie makes a strange gesture.  When the Insider raises an eyebrow in response, Cookie issues a direct challenge that the Insider will have no way to describe the gesture in the report.  For readers playing along at home, think of some sort of phallic-type motion.
11. One method used to better the time of the CN Tower climb - blow out your knee four weeks in advance, walk around in crutches and a brace, avoid the hospital until it becomes too painful too move, try desperate voodoo type measures involving large needles, and, finally, engage in electro-shock therapy.  Whatever works….
12. A discussion ensues on how nicknames are given in the Report.  HR-Type-Person expresses some concern that he needs a better nickname.  A lively debate commences with several proposed nicknames quickly shot down.  The consensus was that the nickname will be Bobblehead, although the Insider remains sceptical at best.
13. The Insider must have discussions with Bobblehead about moving tables after the waitress has been primed and knows everyone's (i.e. the Insider's) drink order without being told.
14. The Insider will endeavour to come up with ways to spend more time with women in red dresses while at the bar. 
15. The social mating patterns of Torontonians are discussed in detail, with Muffin expressing several wild theories that prove to have some basis in fact as the night wears on.
16. "Desperation is not attractive." - Muffin
17. Muffin and Cookie experience firsthand the majestic splendour that is the Penguin Dance.
18. Muffin's chair dancing skills are further demonstrated with the addition of several new moves - The Saturday Night Fever, the Locomotion, and the Lasso.
19. A group of readers spends a vast quantity of time on Saturday night trying to out-do each other to generate the quote of the week.  Unbeknownst to them, the quote has already been firmly established, and the Insider looks on in amusement..
20. Quote of the week - "Well, it said so on the Microsoft site.  If you can't trust Microsoft, who can you trust?"  - Elder Battlin' MacLean.
21. In a follow-up story, Cape Bretoners are hereby banned from performing any kind of technical support on their computers.  Elder Battlin' MacLean is now a slave of the Insider, after having tried to avoid Insider Computer Helpdesk (ICH) fees.
22. Backup?  What backup?  Sigh…… 
23. Ages discovered during the preparation of personal tax returns (and/or fabulous undercover detective work) are strictly confidential…..although bribery may work….

Insider out.

April 23, 2007:

Deadlines suck.

1. Native Edmontonian expresses concern early in the week that e-mail from the homeland gets blocked due to questionable content. The Insider has no idea what would constitute "Adult Dictionary".
2. Is it a bad sign when someone opens up the closed door, boldly says "I'm don't care if I'm supposed to knock" and then proceeds to abscond one of the cookies on your desk?. It does however lead to a proposed new nickname for Native Edmontonian - "Cookie" (short for Cookie Monster).
3. Tying in the two previous posts, Native Edmontonian becomes concerned that the new Cookie nickname will make it sound like she has a late night second job. The response made in an effort to deflect - "In Alberta, we don’t strip, we drink". She becomes immediately concerned when the Insider busily starts writing down the quote.
4. HR Type Person's contribution - The quote should be changed to "We don't strip, we dance". It should be noted that the Insider never rewrites history, so the original quote stands.
5. The Insider expects a few follow-up e-mails from the last statement, which will probably break down into yet another threat that someone will create the "Response to the Report". The inevitable response will be "People are lazy."
6. Apparently, health care professionals can get viruses. Too bad it's one of the computer type, and thus requires the help of the Insider Computer Helpdesk (or ICH). Good thing the consulting rates were published a few weeks back.
7. It is determined that "Google" can be a verb, but "FaceBook" is not.
8. An intense discussion takes place on the tokenism needed for Raptor cheer team. In the view of some, there should be at least one good looking, straight, 26 to 36 year old male, with good dance moves, or at least the ability to demonstrate moves. The Insider is too busy reviewing the highly complex dance moves of the existing cheer team members to make any enlightening comments.
9. The Insider assumes that people growing up in Saint John are unfamiliar with quality educational programming when a quote from an old Bugs Bunny cartoon draws a blank stare.
10. The Insider received an auto e-mail from FaceBook asks "to confirm that you are, in fact, friends with Kimberly." Extreme deliberations will now commence.
11. Quote of the week - "They didn't hire me to be a wallflower". - Kimberly Robinson.
12. Lunch on Saturday included a walk to Queen's Quay, and lunch at the Chip Truck. For those playing at home, it wasn't even close to the famous Kenora one.
13. The Insider is of the opinion that actually taking a slow boat to China is quicker than trying to book a flight there.

Insider out.

April 16, 2007:

In an effort to be accommodating to some readers who complain when they do not make the report, the Insider lowers the bar on what is considering as OTR. You've been warned…..

1. Feedback from last week's Report seems to indicate that readers feels that the Insider might be slanting the points, and not presenting much on himself. In response to this, the Insider will once again wait (and wait and wait) for the previously much-hyped and never delivered "Retort to the Report" (or whatever fancy name was going to be used). People are lazy. Bring it on....
2. "Is it wrong that I just squealed out loud when the New Kids on the Block came on the radio??" - The Outcast. The answer - Yes. In fact, it's wrong on so many levels that the Insider is not sure he can count them all.
3. The Insider is accused of becoming more and more Torontonian with a failure to mention anything about the Leafs in the last report. Given that the Insider has seen first-hand that the Mighty Leaf Nation will not hesitate in taking out your knees if they are riled, the Insider will make some judicious inquires before posting comments. Concerns about the truck being keyed with sitting in the underground parkade at the ACC are also valid. Note that the Insider has no such fears regarding the Unmighty Oiler, Habs or Capital Nations however.
4. Quote of the week - "Here's crossing the fingers they give me good giddy drugs" - Native Edmontonian, 30 minutes before her orthopaedic surgeon appointment.
5. The Outcast attempts to spread wild and untrue accusations early in the week, in a vain attempt to become the favourite child. However, cell phone logs clearly show a phone call on Sunday afternoon at 5:32 PM EDT to the Maternal Parental Unit. The comment from the Outcast when this is confirmed by the Maternal Parental Unit - "damn". The LEVEL (Legal Expertise of Very Expensive Lawyers) has been retained to assess the huge damages sure to be awarded from the pending slander and libel case.
6. The Outcast is sure to implement fact checking on all future stories. The Insider can sympathize (to a point) given his own experiences in reporting the adventures of the Battlin' MacLeans.
7. "Lunatic friend." - A Haligonian's reference to Paul in conversations with the Insider this week.
8. One reader (who may not be as anonymous as they had wanted to be, thanks to an unintentional Reply to All) engages in stripping for most of the week. (Note: it's not as much fun as you would think though, as this relates to stripping paint and wallpaper off of the walls in the new house.)
9. Apparently, the new way of getting the Insider's attention is to start chucking balls at his head. Good thing Albertan inbreeding proves true to form, and leads to poor aim.
10. In a related story, Albertan aim with the ball proves to be just as bad later in the week, but with (un?)intentional consequences. The Insider just walks it off, and considers wearing a cup to the office.
11. Here's a hint, folks: If you're the one who actually counts and puts the of candies in the candy jar for the fundraising contest involving candy count guess, you can't go ahead and make a guess. Silly HR type people.
12. Paul's definition of a good lunch - one he got given to him for free from the IT department who got a free sample of a new Lean Cuisine.
13. Paul's definition of a good snack following the half-eaten good lunch - an extra bag of Doritos that fell from the vending machine when he got his chocolate bar. (Note to readers that the expiry date on the Doritos was the previous day). The Insider shakes his head at all attempts to get a free lunch.
14. The Insider is not clear why a vegetarian would line up to get a free chicken frozen dinner, but to each their own.
15. E-mailed received this week - "By any chance, do you have any drugs on you?" See point #2.
16. The price for complex income tax advice has been set to be the same as for complex IT consulting services. The price for Excel assistance to former co-workers has yet to be determined.
17. Contribution from a reader - "Au makes Edmontonian wait 1/2 hour for lunch date. I ask him if he thinks he is THAT special & that any woman would wait for him.. he comments that woman do jump when he asks. He thinks he is that cute."
18. SWF syndrome continues even when Kimberly is not physically present. Note that people who are jealous about not receiving a bag as a parting gift should consider the diamond necklace received as a parting gift.\
19. Linguistic studies continue into Albertanese, although difficulties arise when Albertans are found to be sensitive in discussing their particular dialect.
20. Linguistic studies also continue into Cape Bretonese while mumbling with their mouths full. The Insider can decipher one of these at a time, but the combination proves nearly impossible.
21. ABAS-type person finds an interesting way to kill time on a Friday afternoon - smelling cookies.
22. The Outcast's method for doing the 30 hour famine - drinking a coke while sleeping on the new double high air mattress referred to as "the princess bed". The justification - "I was not doing the famine - just supervising, so there are no rules for me."
23. Some days you just can't win. After being yelled at for not bringing back cookies to the 14th floor, the Insider is ordered to move up the Friday "meeting" at Armadillos to 3:30 as compensation. When the Insider displays his power by arranging for the change in time, the Insider receives a second berating as somebody had double booked themselves for another meeting for this time. Memo to self: Start research on whether 3:30 means something different in Albertanese.
24. Friday afternoon uncovers two more skills possessed by the Insider - the ability to solve a Rubik's Cube in under 2 minutes, and the ability to speed read.
25. The Insider has now discovered the trick to dealing with Rogers Technical Support - elevate to level 2. The first frustrating discussion with one support person included an attempt to convince the Insider that the reason the cell phone was not receiving any incoming calls was that there was a forwarding number in place, which was approximately 2 years old. As the Insider hates dealing with incompetent technical support, an elevation to level 2 quickly determines that a wipe and clean is required due to a faulty attempt by Rogers to send upgrades to the phone remotely. Good thing the Insider had nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon than completely reinstall every setting and application back to the phone.....Sigh....
26. In a related story, the LEVEL has been retained to determine if this was all just a master attempt by the Outcast to eliminate all cell phone logs. Luckily backup plans are in full effect.
27. Toronto parking tickets prove to be rain resistant.
28. The Insider has never heard of the concept of "pizza sweat", but scientific investigations will now commence.
29. (Just to prove to some people that the Report can be edited on Monday morning before it goes out) GTNet is cranky this morning.

Insider out.

1. The Ellsworth Counselling Services appears to be now open for business. A small sample of the advice that consumers can expect - "Paul’s counselling advice is always to try to let them come to the answer themselves without being too judgmental…but all I could say “What the F%*^ are you thinking”." Readers are cautioned to utilize the services at their own risk.
2. Quote of the week - "I'm all about the dramatic - at least when it comes to hair". - Trina Savoie.
3. Native Edmontonians may only attend going away lunches if there is karaoke and table dancing involved. Apparently being broken won't stop some people.
4. Trina gets funky on her last day by wearing her leopard skin boots. This may be an attempt to make up for when she was unsuccessful in getting funky with a new pair of glasses earlier in the week.
5. Native Edmontonian spends time rejoices on the parcel received from the homeland, although she was worried that the cats outside would eat the kubasa.
6. Warning given regarding upcoming Albertan birthday celebrations - "Drink all you want, just don't take off all your clothes and get thrown out."
7. There was a request made to transfer the surplus in the oatmeal raisin and large fountain cokes budget to chocolate for other National Office employees. The Insider is unconvinced on the benefits, and will put a halt on all budgetary spending, pending a detailed cost-benefit review.
8. Apparently, some people decide that the best way to travel from Toronto to Halifax is to make a stop in Montreal. For those following along at home, this includes stopping in Montreal, travelling back to Toronto, and then heading straight to Halifax. The Insider wonders if the efforts put forward by some in performing the forensic audit to try to save the $100 in air fare was worth it.....
9. When asked by Kimberly if the Insider would prefer wine or beer to drink, the Insider graciously responds with "whatever's easier". Kimberly's follow-up - "It really doesn't matter, as you're getting it yourself anyway. And, since you're there, can you get me a beer?". Note to readers: Kimberly was closer to the fridge during this exchange..... Sigh....
10. Given the sounds coming from the end of the couch during the movie on Saturday night, it is safe to assume that Kimberly can not make any further claims that she never snores.
11. When in doubt, always let the pregnant woman win the poker game. Especially, when they pull quad aces to bust you out.
12. Total numbers of hours spent sleeping during the long weekend - about 40. Sleep is good.

1. Advanced scientific testing now have documented the fact that the lights on the 14th floor offices come on at exactly 7:06 AM every morning. The Insider is depressed that he knows this.
2. Quote of the week - "It only gets good when someone catches on fire" - Muffin. It is hoped that she was referring to the discussion about movies that was happening at the time.
3. Alternate quote of the week - "I'm a girl. I have every right to change my mind." - Native Edmontonian. Truer words have never been spoken.
4. Memo to self: Albertans are grouchy while on vacation.
5. In a follow-up story - "Nope you MUST clarify by stating that due to EXTREMELY poor customer service from the ongoing Rogers battles, it ruins Albertan's vacation." (Note: editorial license is taken to correct spelling mistakes in the original e-mail so that Albertans don't appear as hicks.)
6. The word of the week - "immobilize".
7. In a related story, extensive research seems to indicate that women may suffer more ACL injuries than men. (Documented research courtesy of Wikipedia - Standard Elder Battlin MacLean wrapping warning - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anterior_cruciate_ligament_injury). Response from one interested party - "What a load of crap. Probably made up by male doctors."
8. Furniture rearranging negotiations continue. It's a good thing that Kimberly checks dates on tickets, and doesn't rely on what her husband tells her.
9. When Deborah asked if the Insider could spot any of the alleged gray in her hair, the Insider immediately senses a trap, and refuses to answer such a leading question. Silly women trying to trap the Insider. See if Paul will fall for it instead.
10. March 27 2007 - the day that will live in infamy. Native Edmontonian is despondent that she has to tick the "Permanent Resident of Ontario" box when applying for her OHIP card. What some people will do to save money on a hospital bill.
11. In related news, the Insider was made aware that despondent may not have been strong enough. The correct verbiage should be "crying like a newborn Albertan wrapped up in her mother's home tanned beaver pelt".
12. A forensic audit by Paul is attempted on the complex algorithms used by Air Canada in determining their prices. The end result - when in doubt, click on accept when you are presented with a fare at a lower price then the previous screen.
13. Buffalo Chicken Wing Salad - a tasty way for females to get men to eat more vegetables?
14. When the hostess of a party decides to announce that she is putting on pyjamas and is going to sleep, the Insider can take a hint.
15. Misquote of the week - "I am a ugly green hunchback ogre that the family had to hide away from general public!". - The Outcast. Honest, the Insider wouldn't lie. The e-mail has been retained as future evidence. Continue to poke the bear... Bring it on, Outcast....
16. Apparently, finance companies require home insurance. Who knew? (Congratulations are in order to the new home owner who picked up keys on Friday. The Insider assumes invitations to a painting party will be forthcoming.)

Insider out.

March 26, 2007:

Too tired for preliminaries.

1. Trina's choice of high fashion - leather jacket, hoodie, dress pants, combined with running shoes.  It's a good thing that the Insider's Fashion Consultants didn't get a view of this outfit.
2. Given a choice between sleeping in or waking up at the crack of dawn to see the new Disney movie for free, Kimberly will opt for sleep.  The rationale of the Insider must slowly be rubbing off.
3. Excuses given by one anonymous reader (**cough cough Trina cough cough**) on reasons why she hasn't been running:  It's tough to go in the morning, it's tough to go at night, it's too cold, I don't have anyone to run with.
4. Quote of the week - "I am so hungry.  I am eating like a cow." - Muffin.
5. Native Edmontonian's Day from Heck starts out with the ceremonial dropping of the ceramic mug onto the baby toe.  It continues with a ballet-like performance outside her house.  The day ends with Rogers disconnecting her cable service.  The Insider casually suggests she enjoy a cold one and then head for bed in order so that her karma doesn't cause the whole frigging city to explode.
6. Muffin espouses on the OTC drugs smuggled into the country.  The Insider recalls similar conversations with other Marketing-Type-Persons.
7. "Girls react to pressure by yelling at people" - Native Edmontonian.  (Note that this is an undocumented scientific fact, and it may only involve yelling at Rogers' Technical Support people.  The Insider recalls eerily similar events involving National Office Team Captain a couple of weeks ago).
8. It is believed that the Rogers' issues led to several "pointless conversations".
9. Phone greeting of the week - "Bite me.  You're going down".  - Native Edmontonian to Au.  It is assumed that this is related to ongoing trash talking related to the upcoming CN Tower climb.
10. The 14th Floor Epic Battle of the Sexes commences with Native Edmontonian tossing the first grenade.  Badly.
11. Alternate quote of the week - "I naturally assume every budget has a cushion built in." - Kimberly Robinson.
12. The Outcast is the pretty one?
13. Trina's motherly instinct kicks into overdrive anytime she finds out someone hasn't bothered to get their OHIP card yet.
14. Muffin may regret the hastily thrown out "Gimpy" nickname.
15. Paul returns the recently purchased leather jacket, and replaces it with a suede one.  Alone.....  On his own.....  Without any fashion consultant advice.....  His plan for when asked "What happened to that nice leather jacket we bought you?" - Avoid some women altogether for at least a one month period and change topics immediately when questioned.
16. 5 hours in the Emergency Room is not the best way the Insider has spent a Friday night, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Insider out.

1. Sigh... Another week, another challenge directed towards the Insider, based on the feedback received. "As for pt #18 - this is not the entire story, shz! I am now questioning the authenticity of this report. The line was not fake. Tried Au's name too, but obviously both of you boys are not hooked up in this city. Did enter the VIP line up & it worked, so there. As for pt #20 - can you be more original please! oh my... that's right, copy the girl, cause she started this one." Bring it on.
2. An enthusiastic response (some might say over-enthusiastic) is received from the e-mail regarding the Day at the Movies. Maybe Uncle Paul will take Kimberly. This response from the Insider prompted another Hangman e-mail. A new trend continues?
3. Trina's acrobatic skills come in handy this week. Her daughter's still needs some work. Although both require further training on the dismounts, and so are only awarded 7 out of 10.
4. Is Muffin upset with the Insider? Is the envy of the Insider's lunches running rampant? The lunch talk of pasta turns ugly? Further investigations may be required.
5. Native Edmontonian decides to risk the further ire of the Insider and defaults on payment for IT services. Time to send in Guido & The Boys Collection Agency.
6. Quote of the week - "That women smells like coconut." - Trina Savoie.
7. Paul's attempt at making small talk - "Where are you idiots heading?"
8. Reader contribution this week - "Au asked that I pass on to the Insider that I feel that boys are more skilled at playing basketball than girls. He strongly urged me to forward this on, so therefore I am." - Native Edmontonian. The Insider's response - "Chicks play basketball?"
9. Some people seem overly excited about the ceramic painting party on Saturday afternoon. When the Insider asks "Isn't that for kids?", Kimberly's response was "No, it's for girls!"
10. Kimberly decides to take a slight detour on the drive to the party. Anyone want to guess how long the detour was in KMs? The over/under has it at 75 KMs.
11. Mothers do indeed like birthday cards with talking monkeys on them. The Outcast has no idea what she's talking about.
12. Note to Deborah: when you tell everyone that they have to wear green to a party, it is sort of implied that you should be dressed in green too.

Insider out.